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Blame it on the book. - Spirit
Seeking...
Blame it on the book.
Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
But first, the general notes.

One. NiN will be coming to Ft Wayne on 2/23/06, to the Coliseum. I intend on being there, as this is a Thursday. Tickets went on sale yesterday. Anyone feel like committing?

Two. Bucky in a suit is quite possibly the most adorable thing I've seen today.

From NY times movie review: "Memoirs of a Geisha" is rated PG-13 (Parents strongly cautioned). The film is as discreet as an unopened waterlily. → I love it. ;)

http://www.gizmag.com/go/3188/ → An aquarium washbasin. I want a bathroom where this would go in it.

From EW: Jackie Chan says U.S. Movies erode Asian culture. This from the man who brought us The Tuxedo.

If you were wondering what book I might have been referring to, it's Anne Rice's Blackwood Farm. I'm listening to it at work and while I enjoy her work, I must wonder why she has such a fascination with effeminate men and strong 'more than friends' ties between her major male characters. Interestingly, she doesn't talk about this aspect of the females, tho you get the impression it exists. Why the duality? She certainly doesn't mind male-female relationships...*shrugs*...even her erotica is like this. Regardless, I read books and I get wordy, thoughtful. So all of this is likely to be blamed on her.

Lately I've been nostalgic, a theme I'm sure nobody's missed. Today while in Wal-mart (evil) I ran across a DVD 3 pack star wars, with the old artwork. I bought it since I've been wanting a copy anyways. I guess that means I'll have get the 'new' three sometime soon too. :P I also bought Mr. and ms. smith and two cheap DVD’s that I enjoy for various reasons, but won' bother you all with my bad taste. I need to get a better grip on what movies I do and don't have..I almost bought a copy of something I do have...

I'm kinda avoiding this, so I'll just get right into it. This is cut, not so much in a theme of protection, but in a theme of warning. I can't promise it's all roses under here.

Some of you have known me a long time. I believe 9 years is probably the longest. I'd like to think I've changed and grown since then. But sometimes I fear that what someone said to me once...that I am merely a reflection of whomever is around me...is true. Still, I feel I am my own person, most of the time anyways. But if I reach further back, further back into my past and start to put together the dots, some things haven't changed.

But I think I'm avoiding the topic again. Or coming at it the wrong way.

Something like 14 years ago I met a girl in Sunday school. I don't know how I managed to get her to talk to me, or much less how I managed to convince her to remain my friend all these years, but I can tell you what I thought at seeing her the first time: My god, she's a vampire. A sly grin, beautiful eyes, pale skin, luxurious hair...and yes, the astute reader may discern, I thought she was quite possibly one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen. In those 14 years, I'm not sure if I've ever -not- had a crush on her. I'm not sure I love her, tho I can say that I adore her for reasons mired in that young boys need of a beautiful thing to make him awaken. I wanted to be someone she'd notice, and took pains to try and make it so. I think, perhaps, she still remembers me as that boy. I don't have the courage to ask. I'm not sure what she sees in me, even to this day. She says she loves me because I've never not been there for her when she needed me to be. I don't know that this is enough...but who am I to judge. =) I'm not going to try and relate a fourteen year friendship here, it'd take too long. We've shared confidences, loves, hurts, and affection. We shared one kiss that taught me as nothing in a book could have taught me what 'time stopping' was. I've rescued her from a husband, got to be a 'godfather' of sorts to her eldest daughter for a short time. I even got her committed once. *chuckles wryly* But even through all of that I'm not sure what we have in common, not anymore. Our paths diverged long long ago. It used to be that I searched her out. I once found her after she had disappeared...I had to track her down to Arizona to do it, but no matter. I still remember her surprised voice on the phone saying my name. Now she more than not searches me out, though of course it's nothing that dramatic. An email with the words ,'I miss you.' and that was it, was the latest such. I found out she was to be married when she returns to the states, and that she'll get to see her daughters again soon, and maybe if she can get her own stable family she can take part in her daughters lives again, a thing she's always regretted giving up, even if her reasons for doing so were sound...even if at times her path seem to be destructive to her goal to returning to them. I told her, half-jokingly, that she was just doing this again so that I didn't have a chance to seduce her..a joke that has been between us for years..but this time she just laughed and said no, she finally met someone (etc). I know, honestly, that a young boys hope has been dead ever since it began. But the heart is a funny thing, and it hurt a bit nonetheless. I don't even know if it's all 'her'. Sure, she's a beautiful woman whom I know very well and have a great 'well' of history with, but as I've said...we don't really share anything common other than that we're both two human beings on this broken ball known as earth. I think it might be the idea that she gets her family now...and I don't. That my life is backsliding when hers is going forward..a bit of a reversal between our roles.

Several people I love/care for with an intensity that really has nothing to do with being logical are being whisked away...one even is about to give birth to a child that, while I know we would have been unprepared for, etc....i still wonder why it couldn't have been 'mine'. Again, a strange sensation knowing something shouldn't be so, but at the same time wondering 'what if'. And it isn't the first time I've had this particular version of what if. One was a false alarm a few years back, but to this day I wonder 'what if', even knowing that if it were to have been so it would have most likely been a bad thing (tm). Then again I always remember what Kate said that her mother told her: you never prepare for these things, they just happen, and you make it work. Or something like that. Or maybe I just miss Beth's beautiful little girls.

Anyways. This is a private lament of friendships gone. Of people pushed away, and people loved & lost (better to have been so, no?). And also a private way to say to thank you to Beth.

I can't even promise that made any sense. But I've been wanting to write about it since it happened a couple days ago. And now I'll go give up more manpoints and watch Titanic, I think. Or one of those other videos I have that I've never watched. I'm not really sure. If I watch Van Damme, do I retain manliness? Probably not. =0 Maybe I'll just sleep.
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tangled_rhythms From: tangled_rhythms Date: December 11th, 2005 11:13 am (UTC) (Link)
I wish I had words to match what I'm feeling after reading your cut post, but I don't. Even the ones I do think of seem to be just pale reflections and of no use.

My heart breaks for you because I've known that longing and that sort of almost pain before. Where it feels the treasure you're seeking is always just out of reach, hidden somewhere in a room that you can't find. There was a time, after the divorce, when I hated seeing couples together because it caused me so much pain to see them happy and fulfilled when I wasn't. Even today I have caught myself thinking the words "I'm so much prettier/nicer/etc than she is, why am *I* still alone?" when I see a couple hand in hand somewhere.

I don't have any great words of encouragement because I don't think pain of this nature can be healed, except by finding that which now eludes us. All I can say is that you're such a wonderful man that someday, somewhere, you're going to meet the one who will completely fill that ragged hole inside of you. Then you'll understand why you had to wait for so long, because you were waiting on her.
daimones From: daimones Date: December 11th, 2005 03:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
I wish I had words to match what I felt on a regular basis. =)

I don't even know that I'd call it longing or pain. Just an acknowledgement of a situation? I'm not really sure. I can however tell you that I see happy couples now and grumble at them. ;) Not so much because of them, but probably more at myself.

No words of encouragement are necessary. It doesn't need healing, I don't think. It just is something that appears in the absence of a thing, as I think you so astutely noted.

Regardless. *hugs*
tangled_rhythms From: tangled_rhythms Date: December 12th, 2005 12:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
*smooches your nose*

by the way, I wish I were closer cause I'd go to the concert in a heartbeat. It would probably amuse many to see a middle aged woman there, but then, I tend to amuse people anyway with the things I do :)
wingedpixi From: wingedpixi Date: December 11th, 2005 11:34 am (UTC) (Link)
*sniff*

more later as nothing i could say now could match tinas much less be coherent *hugs*
daimones From: daimones Date: December 11th, 2005 03:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sniff? have a cold hon? :)
brawi From: brawi Date: December 11th, 2005 02:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
Dude, I am in the exact same girl boat. This girl that I have known since I was seven or so keeps finding her way back into my life. It's so hard to sort out why I'm so attracted - more than that, even - to her. We don't have a lot in common...it's like you say, it's residual little boy fascination. Which might even be a powerful enough thing in itself.

I just wish things would go one way or another - she'd vanish and I could stop thinking about her, or we'd get together. Because this whole middling thing SUCKS.

Shared history, I've found, is as good as an attraction as any. Probably a shaky one - but hell, so is beauty. It's what builds from there, I think.
alythe From: alythe Date: December 12th, 2005 11:00 am (UTC) (Link)

Other Fairytales....

You want something very different? Try reading the books Anne Rice wrote under her other pen-name: A. N. Roquelaure

Ohmy.
daimones From: daimones Date: December 12th, 2005 11:01 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Other Fairytales....

I have. They're very good.
alythe From: alythe Date: December 12th, 2005 11:04 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Other Fairytales....

Oh, and as far as NIN is concerned, i could potentially be interested. Maybe. I mean, i'd love to see Reznor... And it's been a while since i've made it to any concert. Damn crash wrecked my plans for x-fest this year. and i've never seen NIN in concert before... and i've wanted to... and... hrm....
daimones From: daimones Date: December 14th, 2005 08:57 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Other Fairytales....

If you don't go, then I'm certain nobody else I know in the area will! It'll be horrible. NiN without Jo. OH THE TRAVESTY. :)
alythe From: alythe Date: December 14th, 2005 10:51 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Other Fairytales....

How much are tickets costing? ARE there tickets left at this point??
daimones From: daimones Date: December 14th, 2005 11:44 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Other Fairytales....

Read 12 people's thoughts or would you like to Leave your thoughts?