Spirit (daimones) wrote,

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I used to be somebody...

I can't make code do what I want it to do. (You think it'd be easy to scan backwards till it didn't run into whitespace in a string.)

I can't find a job. (I would like a job that was in my field. As an intern. Or just someone who would work around my schedule. Whose willing to pay me 9$ an hour, even at 20 hours a week is enough, preferably more...)

I can't pay my god-damned bills. (I'm -so- fucked. Even if I get a job *MONDAY*, I'm not going to get paid before big-bad creditor people kill my credit record for being 30+ days late...not to mention if they cut off my cable or phone or...*sigh*....)

I want to cry. I just can't. It's like the tears are there, but the energy to even cry is sapped from me.

Because of this project (code), I can't even go to this all-weekend funness that would help me not wallow in my own pool of self-misery. What's even more amusing is that I had such high hopes of relaxation....So I sit here feeling depressed+ about that, and jealous...for reasons obvious and not so.

Mental Note: Jeff, you have no....something. Confidence? Security? IQ? :)

Damn you Marty for not just saying, 'Nope. Code due's Friday.'

Not that I haven't poked my head in...they get cable installed on Sunday afternoon, so I might spend the day over there instead and code...at least that way I'm not so alone.

I feel so inept at my field. It's vaguely amusing, cause everyone else seems to think I'm smart at it. Why, is beyond me. Maybe I've finally hit the, 'you're just not smart enough' mark. I see what Tom is doing, and he's 'only' in a sense, two years ahead of me academically. Aaron's a freakin' genius, or something. He uses scheme...and functional languages don't make any sense to me, whether it be because I haven't ever *REALLY* tried to use one, or not...but he does neat things I can't even follow procedurally...

I'm already behind graduating. All I ever wanted was a god-damned education so that I could prove to myself that I was not as stupid as the rest of my family. That I'm not some aborted failure. I tell people that I had to take a 1.5 year vacation for money reasons, which is true, but it's also the, 'You couldn't keep your grades up..' And I finally got the...ability?...to go back...had to take out loans this time around...*sighs*...and I was doing good. I'm so close.....

At least M's online. I miss M. Maybe that's why I can't cry or something.

At least there are people who do love me. Bri, M, Tina, nykkit, with the possible male addition of James and Matt. (not i-Matt! -> I'm fairly certain he doesn't much like me anymore. And oh well.) They try and cheer me up, even if they don't know what they're doing. Even if I can't succeed where the world deems it to be successful, ala capitalism, I've got my bohemian sorts of love. Kate would be proud. Now if only I were more like her and smart. I should add her to the list too. Of people that love/cheer me up without knowing it. Lisa, you should be on this list, but the mere fact that I haven't talked to you in forever makes me feel like slime. Cindy too.

Back to the code. I can only lately allot so much time to my own self-misery. Even that has to be regulated. At least the happiness doesn't. Well. I suppose it does too. Cause I can't let it interfere with anything. Well. I might eat first.

Nature always wins, that whore-bitch.
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