Spirit (daimones) wrote,

  • Mood:

Death affects us all differently.

Last night. Or early this morning. Her father died.

It was a shock. Not -completely- a suprise, due to other health issues that had definitely shortened his life span, but to die of a heart attack like this was a complete shock to the family. Not like enough hasn't been taken from her life recently....

Not that life pauses for anyone to get their bearings.

But I'm digressing from the real point.

She came over at like 4 in the morning, we were up till 6 talking, then I passed out for a couple of hours, woke up...went to school, got my paycheck *AND* my refund check...(this means for like, a week at most, I'll have 2.5k in my bank account. go me.) I came back, she had finally passed out..I fixed lunch, did dishes, called her mom, woke her up, gave her lunch, went back to class...came back and she had left to deal with the funeral arrangements, etc.

Her family is so closeknit. And they show their grief so differently than I would, say nothing of my family. They want me to be as much a part of the whole process as I can be, and that in and of itself scares me. To say nothing of the surreal feeling I get to wonder if I would be able to feel like they feel at the loss of a loved one that close.

And then I wonder...if say, my grandfather died...what would the family's response be, to say nothing of mine. How would the family survive..how is hers going to survive, especially her psychotic mother...whom I feel so much pity for.

I feel less human as this outside pillar of strength.

And It's not that I don't think I have the capacity, lord knows...when my cat died I was heart-broken. But even that died quickly in a sense, although I still remember with sad fondness...I think a lot of it is that the cat died -in- my arms, purring to the last...

I dunno. Less human. Very surreal. I keep using that word.

And I'm so sore, both inside and out.

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