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I was thinking... - Spirit
Seeking...
I was thinking...
Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Nothing put the message across more clearly than having a severed human head thump down on the battlements in the midst of a line of archers.

"It's important to surround yourself with people smarter than you." - Sean Astin

"I wouldn't run for president. I wouldn't want to move to a smaller house." - Bono

"You ride. You ride to live. When you can live, then you can choose how to die."

(with a broadsword) There were just three basic moves: the block, the slash, and the remaining-on-your-feet.

Singing unaccompanied must be the next thing to stripping off in a room full of people.

No one could find the weakness in a person's armour like a malicious eight-year-old in a schoolyard.

"I am not here for your amusement."
"What are you here for then?"
"To look pretty."
"Things that are pretty get hanged on walls."
"No nails."

"It's a good thing I’m not easily offended. But I'm afraid you're alarming the sheep."

A dedication in Gravity Dreams by L.E. Modesitt Jr.: To Carol Ann, who taught me that honesty is more than accuracy in words.

Where are you between two thoughts?

All societies are evil, sorrowful, and inequitable, and always will be. Therefore, if you wish to help the world, you must first learn to live in it and then teach others the same.

You may know your thoughts, but you are not your thoughts.

All is equally fair and good and foul and evil; only the individual will claim something is but one.

Her tone didn't brook argument. I didn't. She just kept being annoyingly cheerful.

He who would not be hammer will be anvil.

One can never conclusively prove an idea, only disprove it.

"...Human beings aren't much more than technological gifted social insects. As a group, they aren't any more able than termites to surmount their inability to overcome instinctual hard-wiring. How many mite geniuses have been killed or stifled or exiled because they didn't fit the social norm? How many unwanted and unneeded children have been born and killed over the millennia? How many prophets have claimed to represent one deity or another with no proof, no evidence, except demonstrations of power available to every human being? And how many mites have swallowed the words of those prophets? Is that rationality or free intelligence?"

"History shows that the greatest murders and disruptions were by so-called ordinary people, not by demons. There are thousands of years of history, filled with villains, and everyone blames those villains, but most of the evil deeds attributed to them were actually carried out by ordinary people. Were those people weak--or did they secretly enjoy their work? I don't know that it matters."

"Human beings are programmed badly for going beyond the hunter-gatherer stage. We have to struggle with rationality because...rationality isn't necessarily good for survival on the species level."

Here at work I expect, and am continually disappointed, a professional demeanor and as you may have guessed, when I don't receive it, I react badly, though rarely to the person that deserves it. I hang up the phone and rant to my coworkers, who value me for my frankness they say. While I see the amusement in this, it saddens me that I am most likely never to be advanced due to my lack of ability to lie, or play politics. I don't understand why management, an understandably necessary feature, will not listen to their employees and streamline their operations to better meet their stated goals. I want an environment that rewards me for doing a good job, not one that rewards someone who knows the right people, and does the best that they can do to get someone off the phone...but I digress a bit. Today I was told that I have 'quite the mouth on you.' And while I've known for some time that I tend to use curse words and other more pejorative terms more than most of my peers, it never hit me until Angela said it. While Bri may be upset by this, it means..more, and at the same time less, because Angela said it. I work with her, and I'm sure she expects, just like I do, a certain amount of professionalism. Of course, in context, it wasn't meant as a criticism, she was expressing her delight in how I lambaste some of the fools that I talk to on the phone. But I thought about it in the greater context of my life, given especially that I am the most...descriptively imaginative...of my peers...and I wonder if indeed there is some personal problem that I have.

I've known for sometime that I have anger issues, indeed, this may be a greater outgrowth of this long buried nugget. Somewhere, deep down, there is a berserker within me, one that I work to repress and while I have had more rather than less success, it does have its outlets.

The point of all this is that I need to work on it, but don't know where to start. I could list some of the other things in my life that bring me continual anger, but why bother. =) I don't want to worry about the cause, only negate the casual relationship between them and the anger. The words, my wicked tongue, my red-flared eyes...but at what point do I find some balance? It bothers me that I have 'quite the mouth'...so who knows.

So I set here and wonder about the lives of my coworkers and realize all is not what it may seem. We all have different sides to our lives and who we are really is not characterized by our work. I'm sure that were people to judge who I might be on the basis of their interactions with me at work, they would be horribly off, and I the same. I'm not the same person here at work. Tonight I had a short conversation, but one that was remarkably intimate, that gave me a window into her life, and one that while I might have guessed at, could never have come up with. It started when I teased Shannon (the lady in question) about not being at the Metallica concert. (It was tonight in Fort Wayne, and since I work on 3rd shift, we knew about them getting out due to some problems in getting food at any of the late night venues. ;) She said a friend of hers brought her a tank top from the concert, and she had it hanging up. I said something like, "Nice of them to bring it by so early. Or late for them." Which got us to talking about sleeping. She advised that sleep isn't a thing a mother has time for, and that her ten year old daughter, her precious, likes to knock on mommy's door and talk to her. Cute, huh? :) I advised her to relish these times as at around 13, they try to become convinced they don't need mommy. Her reply was that her 12 year old son had already figured that out, and that her 14 year old daughter was going to leave her to go live with her father in NC as per her right in that state even if said father hasn't spent more than 6 weeks with said children since 1995, apparently. I expressed my sadness, for indeed, a mother who has to lose children always will feel this loss keenly. I asked her what she meant about her son, and her reply was that her son had drawn a knife on her 10 year old daughter and she had to have him sent to Wood (a youth detention center here), and that he too may go to live with his father when this is done for 'the injustice of it all.' She almost sounded like she wanted to cry, and admitted as such, and that I had to cheer her up. So I told her that no matter what, she had those years of life with her children, and that bond which cannot be taken away and that her children would always love her and always be with her in that regard, and that they're only children...she'd have a lifetime to get to know them. And besides, just think of how much more sleep she'd get. =)

And of course then there's Sharon, the mild mannered 'mother', whom is remarkably naive, but very sweet and helpful...Andre, the pimp...Lauren, the burgeoning financier, and Cori, a rebellious woman grown old (27) who wants to have her hair died purple one more time before her daughter is old enough to remember her mother ever being so wild, strange, and uncool. Cori has such tales to tell of debauchery, piercing in strange places, and comfortable times spent in strip bars. =)

I don't really know what all the last bits are about, but hell. I've spent a year around these people and really don't know them, even those who I think would be worth getting to know. I know Lisa's children better, and I spend so much less time around them, but I spend it with them in their home, playing with them, and seeing what makes them tick. We are not the islands we seem to ever be, are we?

On a less serious note, the Olympics are almost over, sadly. Waiting to see how the basketball team does. Next match is España...hopefully they can come together. See, there's another side of me. I still have some of my Hoosier..er, Indiana-n, roots. We likes our basketball. Also on less serious, I hate old computers. Getting windows 98 did not solve my problems because the f* BIOS is so old that it won't even boot off of CDROM and the CD I have is one of those 'only for new computers' so it won't install on a PC that already has an operating system..and I can't format an operating system that is already booted, sadly. =) The floppy on the thing is broken, so I need to find a floppy to borrow before I spent 10 dollars to get a new one. There's too many points of failure that it could be...could be the floppy controller, the IDE cable...blargh. Hey, n or Matt, got a floppy I can borrow? :)

Also need to figure out how I can get the effect I want in my journal with HTML without doing some serious serios modification. Want an inset box, somewhat like disjointed...don't want to go to the huge problem of rewriting my journal in pure css. :) Will figure out, maybe. Might solicit helpful ideas from the more design-minded amongst thee. Any journal types y'all want to see that you don't? I could make one, you know. Might even relish the opportunity. I miss the more scientific aspects of computery world, you know...not just the silly LJ design stuff, but the serious aspect...you see some of the LJDev stuff (I really should get in to those lists...) and it reminds me of all the behind the scene serious tech work you don't ever think about, and even though they're all cool-seeming people, they seriously think about how complex operations are, how it will help them, help others, blah. And then there's the true abstract science stuff, algorithm development, research, blah. Stuff that's more in the realm of Google, one of the most serious, but useful, tech companies I know of. Heck, I haven't even done any forward work in coding this long promised, but little developed, idea of a talker-mixed-with-moo.

Instead I just play video games. *grins* Even the trillian people fell to this one! (Sorry, I was checking into their randomness, and on their blog it's got a post that said something like, And Trillian 3 work comes to a crashing halt, that was a link. A link to a screenshot of a deathmatch that I presume was the two creators duking it out. ;) Though even such a simple issue as my inset boxes and related design mess can keep me from playing NWN...

So. yes. Ideas on journalness? Ideas on where an intelligent coder with an intermediate understanding, whose mostly developed on *nix, knows nothing about doing so seriously in a windowed environment (not even X, sadly.), can expand his horizons? (and learning the functional equivalent of how to code towers of hanoi for windows is not it!) on learning how to be a better, less sharp-tongued individual?

Should I just hire a therapist? :) Maybe one that needs some networking/backend web development so I can pay them?
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Comments
annida From: annida Date: August 26th, 2004 02:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wow, that was a good read. I like how you write :) I miss you a lot, I don't see you much, and when I do. I'm exhausted, so I don't talk much, which is typical. heh.
I think everybody could benefit from somebody listening to them and offering them advice .. and I mean constructive advice that they can work from. meh.. I don't know what I'm talking about (as per usual).
So yeah.. how much do you know the people are you.. do people even care? I know I couldn't give a poop about half the people I know in the choir. I also know that they couldn't give a shit about me. so.. what's made our society the way it is?

Stuff, loads of things I think about, thanks to your probing thoughts. *smooch*
daimones From: daimones Date: August 26th, 2004 06:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
You are apparently the only person who thinks its a good read. *smiles wryly* And you do know what you're talking about. Usually more often than you give yourself credit for.

Now that is a great question. *grins* You should read the book I'm reading now, just to add on to those thoughts...
annida From: annida Date: August 26th, 2004 06:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
book? wot book? mmm?
daimones From: daimones Date: August 27th, 2004 02:16 am (UTC) (Link)
Gravity Dreams, by one L. E. Modesitt Jr.
wingedpixi From: wingedpixi Date: August 27th, 2004 02:05 am (UTC) (Link)
is not .. i thk it was a good read even if it took me two days to do so ... anyway ... there was something i wanted to say but sadly i lost it half way thropugh... partly cause it was partly cause its only 8 and partly as bad to usual i never feel quite awake... kind of like if only i would try a little harder everything will come into focus and things will be come clear.. and i can see again and think again .. and have the motovation/ energy i need... atm it just feels like im walking through a fog... but no one that obsures everything... one that only makes you miss guage distances .. but one that has weight and mass so it feels like your moving though molassas... odd anyway .... you could always call id listen.. no payment required.. and god knows you can write well and i have a mail box and an e-mail address or two ... and its all good... i have been though boxes and boxes of memories since i started cleaning out my lif this year and i have found letters and notes... conversations that were ongoing and its funny how they take you back and it seem to ar almost there and yet i have no desire to go back... but it can also give a feeling of connection... bonding and belonging... caring and understanding... i miss that sometimes... it odd with real life... i mean forgive me those of you who are in college and stuff but that is not real live... its its own microcosim.... fill with the petty and the self absorbes surely but very protected... no matter how large the school is how rural or urban.... but real life has this quality of self-preservation to it... the i dont care about you be i have to many things to do to make sure i get what i need... want .. deserve.. if i care about you it take away for all the other things that have to be done... i think that working people today have a hard time getting outside of the humdrum of everyday because ... well lots of reasons... it takes too much energy... you have to take away time from something else... it takes emotional energy which i find i have just too little of these days... you have to work so hard to get thoughr what you do at work or even for general amtainace and dealing with the people you have to on a daily basis .. co-workers, family .. that it leaves you sometimes almost nothing for those you really want to send your energy time and effort on...

and then in all the running around of daily life where is it that you can take the time to inventory yourself.... look at the personal things you want to work and an then acutally follow through with them....

maybe its the silly things ... like going grocrie shopping with your best friend .. not because you love that activity ... but because you both need to do it and wouldnt it be more fun to plan to do it wil someone you want to spend time with ...
but then that mean you have to find a time and a date and meet up and not just grab the things as you fly by the store on the way home randomly... i dont know... i had decided eating meals with firends was good everyone needs to eat right .. but that gets expensive really quickly and soon the lbs follow... and the depleates my mood... and love to go with friends to yoga... but for the class you dont talk to them or anything its a very individual kind of thing... and forget going out afterwards cause your so sweatty all you want to do is shower... so i dont know ...
this as my own entry its long enough
tangled_rhythms From: tangled_rhythms Date: August 27th, 2004 07:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
ahem young man, Just because I've not been online for several days does not mean that I didn't find the fact you actually talked about things which mean something to you a good read.

Now wasn't that a run on sentence and a half?!?

Truth is, we tend to keep ourselves separate from those we work with because we have to for our own sanity and theirs. We need them to see us differently so they'll respect us. We need to see them differently so we'll respect them. If we were all great friends and knew that much about each other's lives, we wouldn't be able to do what we needed to do (as in being ethical or detached) when it came to making personnel decisions or accepting promotions. We have to keep that distance most of the time because we can't afford to work with our friends lest we accept an accolade that you feel they deserve more out of your concern and love for them rather than the actual truth.

Perhaps it's my age, perhaps it's just that I've been involved in too many political games in offices where I've worked that I've just learned how to do it without thinking. Which is rather sad when you think of it. By the way, I can't swim. Random thought, but it came up in my dream last night because you wanted me to swim off this boat that was going down and I was trying to explain why I couldn't leave the boat, whether it sunk or not.

The mouth on you...I think it's a phase thing as well as an anger management thing. We just go through periods in our lives where we change, alter, mutate, morph almost constantly. It's my opinion that these abrupt and near constant changes disrupts our system and makes us uncomfortable in our own skins. This unsettling tends to make us explode in various ways and we try to channel it into the least destructive paths. For you, this turns into cursing because it's all you can get away with at work. If you could get away with more, you'd probably explode in a different way.

Having known you for as long as I've known you, I could understand why you'd have anger constantly simmering inside. You've not had a very fair nor nice life, with only a few notable exceptions. Doesn't matter how blase you try to sound or how much you want to think all that's in the past and you're over it, you're not. Some things you never get over, you just figure out how to work through. Sometimes it takes a real professional to help us figure out how to open the box to those feelings and memories without causing the universe to spin out of balance, but eventually they have to be dealt with or the anger never goes away.

Now, I'm going to go back to talking to you real time since I've now dispensed the advice and can be satisified with the fact I didn't comment at all lewdly about your mouth comment.

Love ya :)
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