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Ugh. - Spirit
Seeking...
Ugh.
Current Mood: annoyed annoyed
Current Music: ICKY!
I'm here, and I'm thinking, and I can write.

What a synergy of coincidence.

Tonight's been an interesting night internally. We'll start with my clothes. I'm trying to be more fashionable, as best as my poor ugly self can be...and I realize that I'm really sensitive about it. Not in a explody sort of way, just...when people say you could do this or that, or tell me they don't like something, I try to find a way to make them like. And me too, I'm not serving the masses, or anything. I don't know when it is that I became so concious about these things, but sometimes I detest how...slovenly, I feel. My skin is naturally oily and I hate that...my hair is impossible to tame...my skin is a mess with pimples...getting a smooth shave is a painful affair (I'd like to try an electric razor, but I'm for some reason scares of them)...About all I do like is my physique. And I think my eyes are pretty cool. ;)

I just want to be impressionable.

Which leads into my personality. I admit, I'm a sarcastic, caustic, critical indvidiual. But I don't want to appear that way to others, I suppose. =) I try to be funny and off-beat...and I fail sometimes, but that's okay. I probably am a tad bit more profane than needs be, and I know for certain I'm more 'perverted'. It's a function of my natural personality. Someday I might even share. I'll scare off the plebians, though. Anyways. I'm afraid I'm not charming, that I'm really hard to get to know and scare off my friends. I don't mean to, I really don't. Now that I'm writing about it, I don't even know how to put it into words.

I do know however that I need new glasses. Spiff new glasses. One reading pair and one sunglass pair. I should go price them. Except I'd probably have to get an eye appointment too.

It's easy to be 'good' online. As someone said to me, it's a selective medium for those smart enough to use it as such. You present yourself how you wish to present yourself and someone can't tell if you're lying or angry or anything, because they can't read body tension, reluctance, etc. I just wish I could somehow be like that in person. And not be fake, but portray that level of confidence. Because even when I'm having fun, people think I'm not more often than not these days.

(next day) Woops. I forgot to finish this and post it.

Now I have to listen to the asshats downstairs and their shitty music. Makes me want to turn my speakers up and drown them out in a cacaphony of noise. Especially low levels one. Yes. Lots of bass for them.
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jeannee From: jeannee Date: March 20th, 2004 08:58 am (UTC) (Link)

You too, eh?

I've been going through a bit of the same thing myself lately. I feel as if I'm not portraying to the world the sort of person I really am.. I guess I feel that when people look at me they probably get the impression that I'm much less than I am... I have no confidence.. and it takes ages before I'm comfortable enough around people to say most of the things that go through my head.. There's also the fact that I certainly am not one to wear makeup regularly.. and for years I've worn plain tshirts and jeans and sneakers.. my hair is always pulled back in a ponytail.. I just look *blah*.. There's certainly no personality that can be figured out through the things I wear.. and to be honest, I'm tired of feeling as if I'm invisible. Even my friends don't seem to see me when I'm standing right in front of them. ;)

It helps that I've lost a bit of weight because that makes buying new clothes seem more like a necessity than an indulgance. This go round I'm buying things that I really like.. not necessarily just anything that I can find to fit or anything within my price range, which is how it usually happens.

I completely understand the bit about wanting to be the same online as you are in person. I know I haven't spent much time with you, but I didn't get the impression that you were somehow different or less than the sort of person I thought you'd be from what I knew about you online.

So anyhow.. I dunno that you should all that worried about changing. ;)
daimones From: daimones Date: March 20th, 2004 12:16 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: You too, eh?

Thank you nay, that means a lot to me.

*snugs* You didn't seem all that different either. :) And I thought you looked fine!
wingedpixi From: wingedpixi Date: March 21st, 2004 07:36 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: You too, eh?

seems to kind of be a common thought on journal entries lately.... know that i typically feel the same about myself.. and prolly even worse now because i even fight with my physique....

but heres the thing... there will always be inner deamonds you struggle against... and even they change from time to time...but you percieve yourself so differently from what other people acutally see.... you never really know what they see and typically are afraid they see all the flaws you constantly remind yourself you have....

big example... i have a horrid complexion... granted i can if i so choose cover it up.... and you made the comment about shaving... which is even worse in the fact that when you shave you are even further reminded of your complexion... but the thing is ... that when you remember or think of me .. is that you see ... saw or ..recall...i doubt it.... so that is neither what remember about you... thats not how i think of you... i never though you as slovenly...i remember you for the things you did and how you acted.. thats so much more important... and too how you carry yourself..

im so insecure about everything... but i dont think thats how people necessarily see me... maybe they do ... or maybe just my friends know but dont really see me in that light...

i see you no more or less then who you have always been..people grow and change but are nothing drastically different than you i have known.... and if i didnt like what i knew i would have left long agao
annida From: annida Date: March 20th, 2004 07:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
I sometimes forget when I'm in the middle of a post too! I'm thpethial! :D Love you Jeff.. Just.. love you!
vacillate From: vacillate Date: March 20th, 2004 09:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
Jefe...I don't know what to say, other than that I love you just the way you are. You know that, too. :)

I wish I could say more to help. Just know you're loved.
ellisande From: ellisande Date: March 21st, 2004 12:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Darling, I keep telling you that you're handsome, and you are. In spite of whatever supposed flaws you think you have. And you have better clothes than I do now. :)


As to stuff...well, naturally oily skin means that, while the rest of us will be 80 and look it, you'll only look like you're 50. The hair and complexion we can take care of.

And let's see....I know you're funny and offbeat, and hey, obviously more people like you than you think, otherwise you wouldn't have gotten people to respond to this entry. :)

I love you. Never forget that.
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