Spirit (daimones) wrote,


I don't have many of them. I can't think of a single 'family ' tradition, either for Christmas or New Years. I tend to think Christmas is a time of reflection and New Years is a time of looking forward and that's about it. I know that last Year was much happier than this year...

So I hope the trend is not thusly, and traditions do not go this way. Bri said we'll have to start our own, as we have many Christmas' ahead. A beautiful sentiment, but I one don't know if I can believe... She seems so sure...and I don't know anymore. Funny how things used to be the other way around. First she has to be interested in a life here with me, I suppose. Not that that judgement is fair. I just see things a certain way, and she doesn't. I can't imagine living like she does with someone you really love, which is probably the major cause of our problems. I've also learned that Bri does things when and if Bri wants to and no amount of asking or prodding will change the fact. So. If she wants Traditions, maybe I'll get some. I could always start my own. Hah. That takes initiative! And are their really any singular traditions? Holiday ones. None of this masturbation stuff y'hear? :P

I take that back. Or at least parts of it. I can think of a beautiful tradition I have with Bri. Setting up the Christmas Tree. It's amazing how you can string lights on a pine tree, hang some ornaments on it and voila. Beauty. Maybe that'd work with me...*ponders* ;)

What about y'all? What Traditions do you have? Why? Do you enjoy them? When did they start?

And when did Tradition start getting capitalized? =)

So. I called M last night. Was good. And you Do sound different. More adult, or something.

Maybe that's my problem. I thought I was all grew up and I found out different and didn't like it. I 'unno. Anyways, last night as most of my 'eve's lately was good. Until I farked things up and started -thinking- again. (a cardinal sin. press 1.) I started thinking about how I feel so damned second place. And that leads into something else M said...

Reasons for Jeff's journal being vague. Truth: It'd hurt me and others to write things down. Which is dumb, I know. I can make things private, etc...write. And I've been tempted. I do it with some things (declarations of loooove, rp, etc.), why not my own life...really get it out. Say what I feel and all that. Except I'm scared of the depth of those feelings. Both good and bad. Because they show my feelings, my thoughts..how secure and insecure they are...my weakness, and strengths. I'm afraid of being used by them...(more than I already am)

So that's why I'm all vague. I fear the big bad world is watching and judging me. And in the judging, finding me wanting. I already feel like I'm not worthy of people's friendships anymore, that I'm some hollow shell of a person that used to be supporting and supportive of me and others. I feel as if I need to pull away till I become me again, and am not so..broken?...So that old paths traveled can still be good and strong.

But you know what? It's the New Year. This means I can start again. Hah! Or at least try. I have one promise to look forward to, I know...one thing that I'm waiting to see how it turns out. I have Bri, who does love me, and forgives me. (She even said so!) I have friends who love me...whom I need to be worthy of. Whom rightly deserve Jeff the Way He Was.

Carry on New Years. Let it be Good.

(oh. And all of you wish Bri Luck for her interview.)

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