Spirit (daimones) wrote,
Spirit
daimones

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Thoughts that want to be put down.

Even if they are inconvenient enough to not wait till my project is more done. I'm about half way, with what, 3 hours to go? Most of it is just BS'ing properly. And I've woken up a bit and the quiet night (as well as a looming deadline) has set me to task completion.

"Some workers in customer service jobs in Bangalore, for example, are being instructed to watch reruns of "Friends" to acquaint themselves with the cultural norms of American consumers..."


A bit of congrats is in order, by and by, to Minsies and Drae. It's neat how things can come together. I'm jealous that everything worked out so swiftly and seemingly relatively painlessly. Pass some along this way, enh? :)

Also, glad that Pixikins is feeling better. I want to rip out my sinus...course, that won't stop the rampant bleeding they seem want to do. I wonder if they make sinus recongestants?

To Quinby, Re: Where do I belong forever, in who's arms I too think about this...and probably far too often. I need to remember that the best things in my life have come when I have least expected them. This isn't to say I sit and wait for my fortune, but you cannot know the unknowable till it has become a known. You will know forever when forever has came and went. Only then can you find out whom. The rest is merely a guess, a trial, an attempt at stabilizing the joy you've found now. May it work...just don't be so afraid of it working..or not..that you stand in its way.

Which brings me to those thoughts. A kind of extensis from the last point, made from the mind of someone more awake. My last entry said I wish I knew how to affect my lady. That isn't, entirely, true in a manner of speaking. Of course I want to affect my lady, but... Passion and reason settle when the glut of first love dies. Friendship last forever, and all that. Perhaps a longing for a bit of our beginning isn't exactly fortuitous, karma being the bitch that she is...I already feel her turning, I want her to look away. So no more longing.

Occasionally, my own timidity surprises me. My fear and repression...and it wars with the side of me that is quite literally, uncaring. The aggressive, dominant, demanding person that I am. Together, when they work in tandem, I think the two make me a well rounded person. It is only lately that one side teeters like an ill-conceived pendulum. The reason I mention this is this...martyr complex aside, it takes two to tango and I have my own part in this dance.

I envy others for that which they can do, both in sum total, and in individual. I envy iMatt for his ability to arise depth of feeling, nykkit for her ability to accept and make welcome. Matt I envy for his ability to care and understand, and not lose sight of his anchor while he does it. I envy Erica for her bright eyes and new world smile, and all the sweetness it contains. I envy Ayoka and Piccolo for their ability to understand that which I cannot, a shared set of experiences. I envy Josh for his seeming ability at comfort and ease and whispered words that delight and content. I envy n&M for their relationship in the depth of love that it conveys. Jo too. I envy more traits in other people than I could ever mention (so please, don't be offended if you aren't here. If you'd like, comment, and I'll tell you what I wish I was more like you) and I envy in totality the ability to be non-threatening, to take in as a whole that which affronts them, assimilate, and succor those at need. I had thought I had some of all of these in me. Perhaps I do. This isn't an envy of a bittering hatred, it is merely traits I see in others that I wish I could possess in more fullness, to flesh out my poor bones a bit more. I envy success where I've had only disappointment. Perhaps that is the key. To not be disappointed, to not allow it to occur. Perhaps all of this, or none of it, should be part of my dance...but it is a part I wish to be playing. Make each moment the best it can be, and when these best moments are strung together, no matter how hollow a particular best was, at least then you know they are moments of best...and that the best is all you ever could have.

These things I wish to have in order to bring out again that which I've found before. Perhaps again this is the wrong way to set my feet on the path. But it is a path, and always better to be a moving target.
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