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What you call mentally retarded, I call malleable. - Spirit
Seeking...
What you call mentally retarded, I call malleable.
Current Mood: thoughtful thoughtful
Current Music: "Babylon" by David Gray
Right now it is insanely hot in my apartment. I still don't feel human, like the heat is causing the dirt on my skin to replicate in teeming masses....

Ew. ;)

It's funny, I feel guilty that I don't get to spend enough time here in updating. Heck, if I had more time to spend I'd definately pay for all the spiffy extra features. Oh, speaking of features. Not being of sufficient privledge to install KLuJe (the KDE client)...I've come to the conclusion that having a really nice x-windows server for windows for me would be nice. On my own box. Leisgh. ;) That way I could always interface with my journal via a standardized GUI without installing a program that only has limited value/use where as an X-windows server has lots of value for everyone.

Or something. Maybe I should just go mad and install semamagic everywhere!

This next bit will just..you'll have to follow along. :)

Tina has two married friends, T and R. R had a friend, we'll call him X. X came up to see R. Tina and X get close. X apparently is using Tina as suddenly T and X are an item and R is being asked for a divorce which he stands to lose not only his wife, but his child. And Tina went through something much like this already. Which makes it hurt for her more. And how can you not see this avalance of pain and not get caught up in it...

Tina: I can't even begin to put into words what hearing you like that did to me. To hear that much pain and not be able to do a damned thing about it...not to mention that you were trying to pretend it wasn't hurting...Wrongwrong. (tho the notice that yoru daughter doesn't have cancer was joyous. *NO* parent should have to 1) outlive their children and 2) see their children suffer.) You're not superwoman. I doubt hearing me say it here will change your mind about the insanity of what you're trying to do with that portion of your psyche, but at least I can vent about how it's not sane. I know. I try to do it, but even I have those I break down in front of and succor me in times of need. Lovingly, those are usually some of the same ones whom I do the same for...

Liz: You'll get your stuff back, I promise. At least I have in the past gotten something to you, and will in the future. Any of the things you told me you'd ever do for me (since the breakup) haven't happened yet. Even if you threw a huge hissy fit when I insuated that they wouldn't. Wonder why. But I don't want to get into that sort of thrust/parry relationship with you again. Or conversation. I just want us..I don't know what I want, but it probably won't happen. I'll try. Kayo? What I do know is that I miss you. Or..what you were. The apartment still echoes with your presence when I chose to tune in to it. I remember the cats, I remember the good times. (And disturbed sings: Isn't living hard enough?) I really could go on. But its enough. What I do know is that I find myself willing to contemplate...certain people....around me in a manner like you were...or maybe like jake was, if they were understanding. :) I miss that closeness. It was fufilling in a way that very few things are. No matter what you think of me, I know what I will always thing of you and what place you will always hold, even if you still can cause me confusion.

Pentacon: It's going on again. And I miss that group of people, in that the memories are probably better than the reality. But it's still a lot of fun to go to gaming conventions. But most of all: I miss Darryl.

Bri: Am I doing the right thing? God I hope so. I wonder what the other people think of me. I mean, I'm sure we all always wonder what the other person really thinks or is hearing about us in the gossip mill...but I don't normally care. I stumble on doing as my head and heart dictate. The problem is that I've only heard half the story, and perhaps not even the full version of that if the snippits I catch elsewhere are true. So I don't know what I should be thinking. But it seems to be working...Seems. I really thought I had more to say, but I think summing it up with, 'And oh the price to pay for a kiss.' will suffice.

Matt: How's he doing. He -is- a friend, even if not a close one. Regardless, I'd like to know. I wish the best for him and hate it when people hurt. And he's mostly a closed book...and I wonder if he's torturing himself and others needlessly. But who knows if that's my goodwill for him or others...or what.

nykkit: I adore you. Even if you do knock me in the side of the head. We need to talk...just..talk. I'm rooting for you, hoping your streak with the classes will make these next fail classes passing. I also want to hear your thoughts about..*waves up*. You balance so well, even if you don't realize that. You put up with all of us coming and going...=)

Hah. The problem with summary writing is that details are lost and you all are going to have to deal with that. I don't have the time..or..the energy, currently to update as others do. I'd like to do that, though.

I have to thank my grandmother for folding my laundry too. That was nice of her. At least my apartment got put back together. Bed made, floors cleaned...I even got limited groceries recent like. Crazy, huh.

We won't talk about homework. School. It hasn't changed. *sigh* Why o why....I keep saying: now I'll get my act together...

What mostly ends up happening is nothing including sleep. Insomnia is a bitch. I hate stress..

I miss Cindy who I don't get to see, cause her mom sabatoged stuff! Okay, so not really, but.

It's amazing how the best of intentions can go awary at the last moment.

P.S. Fucking christ, I want the spellcheck on this thing to work seamlessly.
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From: (Anonymous) Date: November 4th, 2002 12:05 am (UTC) (Link)

hmmmm..

Hello love..

Yeah, it's Tina and I just read your entry. Just so you know, I'm touched by what you said. I'm also sorry for the pain I caused you. I'd rather have not broken down at that moment, but you make it so damned easy to do that with you. I have to be superwoman, it's just gotta be. Someone has to put on the tights and make the world rotate correctly, and that's my job. I don't have time to have my own nuclear meltdown when everyone around me is having one that needs taking care of. But..one day.. I promise. I'll stop and I'll think about me and then I'll grieve and I'll let the pain surface. But that's not now and there's no time to do so, but one day..ok?

love you bunches,

tina
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