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I have such convictions... - Spirit
Seeking...
I have such convictions...
Current Mood: gloomy gloomy
And apparently, they make it so that I'm seemingly not capable of debate. Do I come off such that it is pointless to talk to me? Am I really that much of a tyrant? Whatever it is, I'm not sure I like it.

On the other hand, it supposedly serves me well in my ethics class. Which is really going to turn into a class about morality, and not about ethics. For a minute, I had even thought I rattled my teacher when I started into a side trek about communists and how the government system as it was enacted doesn't work. Even if it was 'true' communism, I don't think it work. People aren't like animals. My teacher of course, vaguely disagreed, also stating that there's never been real communism. At least not in Russia, the reason for the discussion coming about. It was a very successful form of basic capitalism. He had some good points, the main of which is that a country went from nothing to fighting off us. Anyways, I digress. I like my class, even if it's gonna be hard to argue when I'm sleepy.

Work, real work has started. It is fun. Third shift can be incredibly boring and long. Book reading has become an art. That at least we're allowed to do on the clock. Otherwise I don't know if I could stand it.

So many things. First, let me get some quizzes, an amusing link or two, quotes..that sort of thing, out of the way.

Happy Deathday!
Your name:Dash
You will die on:Wednesday, November 4, 2015
You will die of:Sexually Transmitted Disease
Username:
Created by Quill


Happy Deathday!
Your name:Daimones
You will die on:Tuesday, December 10, 2019
You will die of:Shark Attack
Username:
Created by Quill


Happy Deathday!
Your name:Jeff
You will die on:Tuesday, April 2, 2019
You will die of:Gingivitis
Username:
Created by Quill


Happy Deathday!
Your name:Jeffery
You will die on:Wednesday, July 14, 2027
You will die of:Drug Overdose
Username:
Created by Quill


http://www.xgenstudios.com/castle/index.htm <- Be warned, violent and addictive in that medieval fantasy death sort of way.

59.76331% - Extreme Geek <- Aren't I proud? Unfortunately, I don't know the site for this...

You are a daisy.
You are a Daisy.


Which Kind of Flower Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You represent... angst.
You represent... angst.
You have an extremely cynical outlook on just about
everything. It's okay to sulk and be
depressed, but life is short, and you only get
one. It's only what you make it, and only you
can make it improve.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

http://www.shagrat.net/Portfolio/cows.swf <- For those in the know, Sieg Moo.

http://pisces.bubble.com/webstars/friend/friendForm.cfm

As the link name suggests, these are of adult content. So be amused:
http://sexylosers.keenspace.com/016.html
http://sexylosers.keenspace.com/111.html
http://sexylosers.keenspace.com/119.html
http://sexylosers.keenspace.com/121.html
http://sexylosers.keenspace.com/147.html
http://sexylosers.keenspace.com/148.html
http://sexylosers.keenspace.com/173.html
http://sexylosers.keenspace.com/189.html

"Let the warriors clamour after the gods of blood and thunder; love is hard, harder than steel and thrice as cruel. It is as inexorable as the tides, and life and death alike follow in its wake."

"The mystery lies not in the question nor the answer, but in the asking and answering themselves over and over again, and the end is engendered in the beginning."

"...And men shall call me 'mad', when they should use the words 'reckless' or 'lost in bloodlust."

Wasn't that fun? I had some notes on some dreams, but the dreams themselves have faded, leaving only the knowledge of their being, not their existence. Hell. I think that's what happened to what I wanted to put in the rest of this entry, but I have no idea.

I'm bone tired, how about we start there. I'll get used to this eventually, and not used to it in the sense of staying awake. Third shift/school, I mean. Of never being able to be around those I love but briefly, and then only those that are close enough to touch. I have obligations to people to meet, and I don't know if I can. Firefest, for reasons of money, maybe difficult. but I want to try, if I can figure out the details. Sometimes I think I worry too much about the details, other times I worry that if I don't, nobody else will. There are those who call it worrying overmuch. I hate being told that, I Do. Makes it seem like I’m doing something wrong, and perhaps I am. but try and give me reasons as to why I'm worrying overmuch, rather than just tell me I am, durnit. Logic works with me, it does.

Or maybe it doesn't, maybe it's all a delusion. Lately I've been wondering that about myself. I tell myself I'm going to think a thing, or be allright with a thing. But then I end up not...adhering?...to that promise. Perhaps not a direct opposite of the promise, but I usually violate the spirit of thing.

I'm like a shadow. I've said that many time, but in this...shadows need the light to live. But the light is what destroys them. In one exists the other, they do not necessarily negate, but are interdependent. Truth is like light. It burns away the shadow. But truth being what truth is, sometimes it is scary. Perhaps I hide in my shadow because I fear the folly of knowing that I have hid. Or perhaps I fear the truth. Or maybe I am right.

I'm not myself anymore. Or, I am. But I don't have the same sense of...peace...with my path. I still feel like a border between what could be if I let it. Either by my implicit, tacit approval, or by my simple removal. I'm not certain which could be better, or worse. Or if again, I previcate for no reason.

I also seem to be using big words, and probably wrongly, for no reason. To grammar nazi's everywhere, I apologize. Oh, a side note: The recent random fear of nazi comments and men who lived their lives out peacefully elsewhere annoys the piss outta me. ;) (remember those strong convictions?) For some, there will be no peace, and no forgetting. It's people like these that bring war and dissent into existence.

Hell. That sounds like me. I hate being hypocritical. Mayhap I should move on. If only I could not be reminded of why I look back.

Enough of my ramblings, I was going to talk about obligations to those that are close, and look where I ended up. One could argue that fixing myself for those that love me is an obligations of the highest order, for you cannot love and serve others lest ye love and serve yourself, but....it wasn't where I meant to go.

To those of you I miss, careful, I will find you. Someday.
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Comments
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: July 4th, 2003 02:55 am (UTC) (Link)
*hugs and ibbles*
melydia From: melydia Date: July 4th, 2003 03:58 am (UTC) (Link)
And apparently, they make it so that I'm seemingly not capable of debate. Do I come off such that it is pointless to talk to me? Am I really that much of a tyrant? Whatever it is, I'm not sure I like it.

it's strange to hear you say this. i seem to recall a time when you told me something very much like it, except i was the tyrant in question.

i haven't talked to you in ages, so i can't answer your question, but i can say it's good that you're at least considering it. there are people in this world who aren't worth talking to because they won't listen to what the other person is saying - they're so wrapped up in their convictions that they don't want to hear any dissent lest their convictions waver, never realizing that maybe their convictions are meaningless if they can't stand up to criticism.

but like i said, not knowing any context i can't say if any of this actually applies to you. i'm glad you posted, though. i was wondering where you'd gotten to.
daimones From: daimones Date: July 4th, 2003 06:20 am (UTC) (Link)

Re:

I don't want to be someone not worth talking to.

Talk is all I have. =)
From: (Anonymous) Date: August 7th, 2003 05:28 am (UTC) (Link)

=P

you'll always be someone to talk to .... ok so this reply is quite belated ... but batter late than never.... somehow i just forogot to keep checking up on you.... even if all i do is catcht little snatches of your life..... you are worth the time the effor the words the thoughts and much much more ... never believe otherwise.... your convictions give you direction with out them how would you be able to talk about anything. ...
thats just what i see and you are just going to have to trust a small winged pixi on that
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