Something I had forgotten I wanted to say about Halloween.
When I was out and about and driving, for some reason, it was neat to me to see all the people dressed up, both young and old alike, mixing, wandering, trick or treating.
For some reason, the atmosphere reminded me more of what Christmas 'should' be? Everyone helpful, sharing...
Especially when it began to rain. My mother tells me there were more trick or treaters after it finished pouring down, but I wouldn't know..I was going to work when it started. (it being the time when people began to do this sort of thing) and I watched as people huddled under umbrellas, in one case a cape, porches...people sharing these things with no worries...
I don't know. Maybe it was in the rain.
Maybe there's a lesson to be learned from it.
Or maybe it's all just Halloween.
2 Advil’s? ibuprofen? and 5 hours later....or maybe it's 7. Who knows.
A few funnies.
Tiny toons: Don't forget girls, never underestimate the power of spandex
Tommy (from Rugrats) has a female voice actor. <- My world is crushed. Even as an 'adult'!
And a few thoughts before I start on my morning. Or evening. Or whatever.
Emotional Desert. Yes, we have desert of the real, or even just deserts (desserts are pretty good too). Places where desperate people end up. Where there is nothing but sand and desperate hope for the unprepared. Where mirages lead you astray and where water is nothing but an illusion that leaves you choking on your intentions.
Now parallel all that to the emotional desert I mention. I think I'm in one, accidentally. Or maybe not so. I was doing fine, and then I let my guard down...and now all my emotional outpourings are the work of a man desperate. And all they seem to leave me with is dust and slowly dying reason, allowing hope to take over. And thus the cycle continues, till someday I will awake with nothing but sand for my efforts. Wasteful, meaningless sand. Raw-red around the mouth, voice hoarse and unrecognizable from the screaming, those that can hear, ignoring that strange humming wind. Except the vultures. Except the mirages which tug me to and fro. And even were I to find that which I seek, I would not recognize it, only gorge myself on it, make myself sick on it, and think it too is a mirage.
In short, I'll be a wreck of a man with nothing to call his own and nothing to claim him except the end.
And thus will I live out the rest of my life. I'm really quite afraid that's where I'm going to end up. I don't even know how to stop the mirages, stop responding to them, get my thoughts together, and find the way out. I just don't. And I'm scared.
Which all brings me to my morning. Or whatever. I had another dream. This time I was murdering people as it seemed the only way to get anyone to pay attention to me. Then of course...something...happened. I don't remember what. Maybe I wasn't the one murdering people. They were people I care for, so who knows. But something happened and I was suddenly...crap. The dream is running away as I look at it with conscious eyes. Fucker. Come back! Alas.
So I woke up. Still not a message, or a missed call. Remember, dying hope....so I try my daily round of calls, not really thinking I'll get anywhere. Lo and behold! First try! She sounded surprised, and was like, 'Where have you been?' And as I wasn't really awake, I probably wasn't very good. And as I wasn't really awake, I probably wasn't very good. She did get that I'd been trying to reach her, but she did have a point. No messages...
I really should work on that. Leave messages, not just reminders that I called. Give contextual reason for the message to exist in. I can do that, I hope. I'm going to get the laundry now. Set the mousetrap again. Second time I've set it this week, second time the stupid fucker has outwitted me. (hrm. re-read that...)
She said she'll be home. If she's like the rest of my friends, though, she'll probably put it off as long as she can. I'm no good to be around, I guess. As usual, even if I disagree with nykkit, her assessments are (both medically and emotionally! - see, you are a good doctor.;) correct. People don't want to be around me. I think too much, am too violent, and have changed into some other person. (probably with a red-rough mouth).
And that's all probably too harsh. But nonetheless.
Oh. An apology for Jo! For missing her party. My excuse is that it was too soon. I mean. It's been since July. How dare I see her 4 months out. I have other reasons, but why bother. Those are my fault.
So. Uh. Laundry now. Someone's got to be the bitch. Might as well be me. ;)
I need to also apologize to 'Da who has had to deal with me and my moodiness when I knew she had her own stuff. Even if she's notoriously bad about sharing. ;)
And I realized I said nothing about a party in my journal ever so anyone who reads it with no outside context has probably been so confused as to rip out their hair and go, 'WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT MORON BABBLING ABOUT!' or something to the effect. S'kinda funny to me, in retrospect.
Emotional state, corner pocket!
My laundry *was* done, but since my mother is sick, I had thought the unfolded clothing that was in the basket was not done. So I put it into the wash, folded the clothes in the dryer in the basket, and went to kill some time, bemoaning the fact that I wanted to go home and make some headway on the dishes.
Then my mother pokes her head out of the bedroom, asks me for a cup of water, and asks me if I brought more laundry over. Me: Huh? My mother: All the laundry was done, I just wasn't feeling good enough to fold it. Me: Fuck.
So I here I set, wasting 2 hours of my life for no good reason. ;)
I redid the laundry. Got pulled over by a cop.
Realized I really wasn't wanted as evidenced by nobody bothering to try and call me, leave me messages, or even include me on what the fuck was going on.
Was going to do dishes, found out the lady is coming home and
would like to do something, and I'd only be a hypocrite if I didn't go. So, we go. *peers at bank account worriedly* No clearing of the checks on the Monday before I get my paycheck, you understand?
And there is one nice benefit of scheduleness. I'm going to an early matrix showing after school. I'd skip class, but I can't skip this one. Woo. Though it almost seems sacrilegious, for some reason. After a movie like the matrix, you want to go out into the night...