August 8th, 2003


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Oivey. It's lonely, working this bastardized third shift that I'm working. More like second and a half shift. Had a carry in today, the lasagna was a big hit. I wish I'd been able to actually make homemade lasagna though, it makes you that much more interesting. ;) Talked about Star Wars at work, and anybody who knows me knows this is a scary thing indeed. And now on to the real meat of this entry...

A lot of how I've been feeling lately has been because I feel completely inadequate. I look at my life, and think...'What do I offer?' I'm in debt, I can't seem to find a 'real' job, I mean, don't get me wrong I have one that pays the bills (barely) but that's all it does, and I don't like it. If I could just wipe away allll my debt....*laugh* And when my school loans want to be paid in a year?....Anyways. What do I offer? Am I enough to fulfill my dreams? To fulfill someone else’s? A lot of this is the self-circling negativity that is so well fed by itself. I used to *not* be like this. I swear. But I can't seem to shake myself out of this, and back into the carefree rock that I once was. My friends shun me because of my own doubts, because I can't fulfill the role that I set myself to be in their life and it further isolates me. Someone whom, while I may disagree with them on some things, but whose opinions I value, told me that because of the violence lurking beneath my skin as well as the blame that I seem to wallow in, it makes it hard to not guard oneself about me. And I can see that...because friends do care, so they try and not hurt, but in the not hurting, they don't feel free. Further isolation.

Ask any of my long term friends and ask them how often my instincts are wrong. How many times I've been able to tell them I told you so. How many times they've thought I'm older and wiser than they.

To find myself doubting myself makes it doubly hard because I'm not often wrong. But when its internal and not external, well. All things become circumspect.

I keep wanting to say I'm done and shed this carapace and move on, a bigger and wiser person for this interlude, but its hard. Being alone these past couple of days has given me much to think on. Oh. Those of you whom may not know: Bri went to Texas again to pick up Matt (as in her ex, yes, that Matt.) and bring him back. She told me something like 2 days before she did this that she would, even if I had already known. I've got deduction on my side! Anyways. That explained, I'll let you figure out the rest. She's gone till she gets back, hopefully..uh..Saturday?

So, being alone. I think of her parting words and posts (I wish I could share, but she's got it locked. ;) It made me sniffle happy.) and other things we shared. Bits of honesty and sharing that may seem trivial if I relate them, but weren't. Things that made me want to hold her and keep here there. A brief interlude for her:

To a time when promises aren't necessary, when they are implicit within us both. When we can stop circling and embrace each other as true. When we can unpack together, and air out the dirty laundry. To a time when our dreams co-mingle. I haven't been the best to you either...part of me wars with guilt for the wounds done and the hypocrisy I hold in my own breast while wishing to expunge it elsewhere. Together? Your love has let me soar to places I never knew existed, and I find myself lucky beyond words. Worry I do for safety, for other things I shouldn't. I wanted to talk to you tonight, to tell you these things, but hearing your sleepy voice as you picked up the phone just made me want to pet your hair and lull you back to sleep and dreams. Trust in me, and I will trust in you, and love me, and I will love you forever.

Okay, back to introspection of sorts. Except now I've lost that thread...Ah. I need to change. Well. Don't need, but something has to give, and I see no reason it shouldn't be the paranoid within me. It serves no-one.

Everyone's moving on, and it feels like I can't. ...I'm not sure whose fault it is. Which means, by default, that the blame rests on me. I hope everyone is finding what they seek...

I just hope, sometime soon, I can find it too.

I'm tired of wiping away tears.
Someone else said that and I echo her feelings, though she gives herself less credit than she deserves for her own accomplishments. I wonder if the same is true of me. A while back I said something about people who can't let go being the people who start wars....and how I should not be one of those people.

I need to set my own life in order again, I suppose. Find ways for people to become unguarded around me, to escape from the dark gothic personality that I'm so prone too. Poetry and ravens (beautiful Straylight...) and death and war and blood and violence and sorrow and pain and things written in books long lost and times forgotten. Echoes of longing.

I long for much. To reunite, not only with myself, but with others...friends that have shaped me that I want to find again. Friends I wish to mend, people I wish to forgive. Oh, how the moon sings.

I think now I end, the story of new found beginnings and hopes and love lost...or perhaps just not able to be put to words.

I need help, I need hope, and I need all of the people that love me. Most of all, I need to believe.
  • Current Mood
    hopeful hopeful

And Hungry. Strange that.

Re-reading entries and not remembering the impetuous for them.

Unbounded enthusiasm running into the reality. Ah well.

A little thanks, to those that offer words. I'm sure that should I ever be around to share them, we can.

And a bit of envy goes out to Brad whose had an amazing trip, but whose looking forward to coming home and enjoying all things American. (go you. :) A hope that one M enjoys my present and realizes its a way to say I miss you. Glad things are looking up for Kate who threatened to be so lonely but whom I knew would find something to keep her time. ;) And to Beth (enunciate your phone numbers!) and both Laura's, I miss you all. And Good Luck to James. He deserves it. ;P

More dark gothic fiction of warhammer eyecandy for me now. Then shower, then work. Rinse, wash, repeat. Maybe tonight I'll find out if Bri's coming home.

I feel like a TV show. "Dark Thoughts, Banish!"
  • Current Mood
    amused amused