July 4th, 2003


I have such convictions...

And apparently, they make it so that I'm seemingly not capable of debate. Do I come off such that it is pointless to talk to me? Am I really that much of a tyrant? Whatever it is, I'm not sure I like it.

On the other hand, it supposedly serves me well in my ethics class. Which is really going to turn into a class about morality, and not about ethics. For a minute, I had even thought I rattled my teacher when I started into a side trek about communists and how the government system as it was enacted doesn't work. Even if it was 'true' communism, I don't think it work. People aren't like animals. My teacher of course, vaguely disagreed, also stating that there's never been real communism. At least not in Russia, the reason for the discussion coming about. It was a very successful form of basic capitalism. He had some good points, the main of which is that a country went from nothing to fighting off us. Anyways, I digress. I like my class, even if it's gonna be hard to argue when I'm sleepy.

Work, real work has started. It is fun. Third shift can be incredibly boring and long. Book reading has become an art. That at least we're allowed to do on the clock. Otherwise I don't know if I could stand it.

So many things. First, let me get some quizzes, an amusing link or two, quotes..that sort of thing, out of the way.

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Wasn't that fun? I had some notes on some dreams, but the dreams themselves have faded, leaving only the knowledge of their being, not their existence. Hell. I think that's what happened to what I wanted to put in the rest of this entry, but I have no idea.

I'm bone tired, how about we start there. I'll get used to this eventually, and not used to it in the sense of staying awake. Third shift/school, I mean. Of never being able to be around those I love but briefly, and then only those that are close enough to touch. I have obligations to people to meet, and I don't know if I can. Firefest, for reasons of money, maybe difficult. but I want to try, if I can figure out the details. Sometimes I think I worry too much about the details, other times I worry that if I don't, nobody else will. There are those who call it worrying overmuch. I hate being told that, I Do. Makes it seem like I’m doing something wrong, and perhaps I am. but try and give me reasons as to why I'm worrying overmuch, rather than just tell me I am, durnit. Logic works with me, it does.

Or maybe it doesn't, maybe it's all a delusion. Lately I've been wondering that about myself. I tell myself I'm going to think a thing, or be allright with a thing. But then I end up not...adhering?...to that promise. Perhaps not a direct opposite of the promise, but I usually violate the spirit of thing.

I'm like a shadow. I've said that many time, but in this...shadows need the light to live. But the light is what destroys them. In one exists the other, they do not necessarily negate, but are interdependent. Truth is like light. It burns away the shadow. But truth being what truth is, sometimes it is scary. Perhaps I hide in my shadow because I fear the folly of knowing that I have hid. Or perhaps I fear the truth. Or maybe I am right.

I'm not myself anymore. Or, I am. But I don't have the same sense of...peace...with my path. I still feel like a border between what could be if I let it. Either by my implicit, tacit approval, or by my simple removal. I'm not certain which could be better, or worse. Or if again, I previcate for no reason.

I also seem to be using big words, and probably wrongly, for no reason. To grammar nazi's everywhere, I apologize. Oh, a side note: The recent random fear of nazi comments and men who lived their lives out peacefully elsewhere annoys the piss outta me. ;) (remember those strong convictions?) For some, there will be no peace, and no forgetting. It's people like these that bring war and dissent into existence.

Hell. That sounds like me. I hate being hypocritical. Mayhap I should move on. If only I could not be reminded of why I look back.

Enough of my ramblings, I was going to talk about obligations to those that are close, and look where I ended up. One could argue that fixing myself for those that love me is an obligations of the highest order, for you cannot love and serve others lest ye love and serve yourself, but....it wasn't where I meant to go.

To those of you I miss, careful, I will find you. Someday.
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