Spirit (daimones) wrote,

  • Mood:
  • Music:

I don't know how to say it...

It hurts, and I'm sorry.

Most of this entry has been accumulating, but I've been lazy. So...here we go. Prepare to be rambled at.

Work is fun. I'm learning how to route things, itching to actually get on the real software to do practice/live in preparation for actually doing a job. Problem being IT departments are stupid, and like everything, glitches come up. So...we train and train and train and review and bored. I can tell you all sorts of things I bet you don't know about airlines and shipping. ;) I also want my shift to start, this 1 to 10 thing is good, but 9p to 6a will be better, I hope. Cept I still won't be able to RP. It's a shame I'm not close enough to home to come back for lunch, but books keep me happy. Maybe during 3rd shift when the traffic isn't so bad, it'll be easier. Who knows. I haven't become bored enough yet.

Speaking of boredom. I'm having fun trying to code a version of a DAWG (Directed Acylic Word Graph) for my own amusement. Not to mention that I think after I get c++ version thereof, I'm going to try and do a version on a moo. It'll be fun. I know I said I'd do chess, and that I'd do those both after I'd actually did real code for the place, but after working 40 or so hours a week, not to mention being constantly lonely, and then school (later) I think I'll just stick to something I actually want to do. It's safer for me.

Amusingly enough, issues with said DAWG got me into an interesting conversation with Tom about lack of decent books at IIT. He told me if I found a few good books, he'd get them for me. Talked to librarian with him, and found out she loves books, which makes sense. Found out that before she got there, they got rid of some 30k old volumes. New building isn't even going to be big enough for library as is...Tom isn't sympathetic. Says they hired the wrong person to do the job, as she's unable to realize different goals and resolve them. I don't necessarily agree with him, but he has his point, she has hers. I mean, it's not a research institution so having a vast library isn't as effective as having a relatively up to date and usable library.

Oi. Disappointment issues abound. First off, I'm already an outsider amongst my friends. Then comes my replacement in a form I can hardly argue with...then comes my job which even further distances me. I really am just a shadow. I should be used to it by now, but it hurts nonetheless. I wish I could just take time out from my life and enjoy things, but I can't. I'm just the supporting shadow, the rock.

Lately, I've been a bad rock. I'm too worried about the damned rain that's eroding me. Eventually I'll get in my shadow. I mean, I do understand. It's just taking me a while to accept things. I've made my case, I either live with it, or get out, at this point. And I'm mostly happy. I shouldn’t feel like I'm being used, because if I let it happen, well. Duh. I should be more respecting of others. On the other hand I wish...I'm too damn demanding. :) And I know it. I used to have this blithe acceptance of what I wanted and who I was. Then somehow it changed. Must retrieve, or find again.

Be glad I didn't post this when I was angry. :)

Strangely enough, as I become a shadow again here, I dawn elsewhere. My friends (old friends) have all been popping up. Steph would like to see me before she goes off to Grad School. Laura wanted to see me tonight if she could, but I Forgot to call her. I was going to see Lisa this Saturday to help her pick out wedding dresses/take pictures, but she cancelled on me. I'll have to go hunt her down for that and find out why. I want to see her. I miss her. She balances me so well. Maybe I'll just blame everything on her. :)

Liz of ex-gf fame finally sent me the keys and title to her car. I cleaned the durn thing out..but now I have to figure out how I can sell the thing for money. The city will tow it if I don't do something soon. It doesn't even so much as whimper if I turn the key, which I expected...about the only way to get that thing moving again would be like, at least 600 dollars, if not more. I'd rather just junk it...but...how does one go about that and get money for it? :) I really should call a junk yard...auto salvage? I dunno. If you know, drop me a line.

Liz of old friend Liz also wants me to come see her. It's neat. My past keeps popping up, but I don't seem to have time to do anything about it. Still have the gaming address with Lianez and Kevin...haven't managed to drop by.

I really should. I really should be a bigger person. I really should.

As I would say, and others would advise, best get to the doing, and not to the whinging.

Oh. My mood: Bri's sick. I want her to get better. I went out to get stuff for her today. Food...chicken soup, meant to get cream of broccoli, grabbed cream of chicken on accident...got ice-cream, pies, peaches, some other necessities. Forgot to get sprite. Also got roses, cause she deserves 'em. If I knew what medicines would make her better, I'd get those too. I'm worried for her.

Get better Love. You are my everything, the only thing that matters, that matters to me.

Even if I'm not sure how to show it, or act it. =)

P.S. Ever wonder if you yourself are the problem, and are so intent on one thing you're not seeing something else? Perhaps if I could open my eyes and meet it half-way, I wouldn't be so damned miserable about it. I'm just not sure how.

To quote.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change those that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Kissing Jessica Stein
What Lesbian Movie Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

You're a Bishounen!

What sort of hentai character would you be?
brought to you by Quizilla
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.