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I don't know how to say it... - Spirit
Seeking...
I don't know how to say it...
Current Mood: worried worried
Current Music: "Furious Angel" by Rob Dougan
It hurts, and I'm sorry.

Most of this entry has been accumulating, but I've been lazy. So...here we go. Prepare to be rambled at.

Work is fun. I'm learning how to route things, itching to actually get on the real software to do practice/live in preparation for actually doing a job. Problem being IT departments are stupid, and like everything, glitches come up. So...we train and train and train and review and bored. I can tell you all sorts of things I bet you don't know about airlines and shipping. ;) I also want my shift to start, this 1 to 10 thing is good, but 9p to 6a will be better, I hope. Cept I still won't be able to RP. It's a shame I'm not close enough to home to come back for lunch, but books keep me happy. Maybe during 3rd shift when the traffic isn't so bad, it'll be easier. Who knows. I haven't become bored enough yet.

Speaking of boredom. I'm having fun trying to code a version of a DAWG (Directed Acylic Word Graph) for my own amusement. Not to mention that I think after I get c++ version thereof, I'm going to try and do a version on a moo. It'll be fun. I know I said I'd do chess, and that I'd do those both after I'd actually did real code for the place, but after working 40 or so hours a week, not to mention being constantly lonely, and then school (later) I think I'll just stick to something I actually want to do. It's safer for me.

Amusingly enough, issues with said DAWG got me into an interesting conversation with Tom about lack of decent books at IIT. He told me if I found a few good books, he'd get them for me. Talked to librarian with him, and found out she loves books, which makes sense. Found out that before she got there, they got rid of some 30k old volumes. New building isn't even going to be big enough for library as is...Tom isn't sympathetic. Says they hired the wrong person to do the job, as she's unable to realize different goals and resolve them. I don't necessarily agree with him, but he has his point, she has hers. I mean, it's not a research institution so having a vast library isn't as effective as having a relatively up to date and usable library.

Oi. Disappointment issues abound. First off, I'm already an outsider amongst my friends. Then comes my replacement in a form I can hardly argue with...then comes my job which even further distances me. I really am just a shadow. I should be used to it by now, but it hurts nonetheless. I wish I could just take time out from my life and enjoy things, but I can't. I'm just the supporting shadow, the rock.

Lately, I've been a bad rock. I'm too worried about the damned rain that's eroding me. Eventually I'll get in my shadow. I mean, I do understand. It's just taking me a while to accept things. I've made my case, I either live with it, or get out, at this point. And I'm mostly happy. I shouldn’t feel like I'm being used, because if I let it happen, well. Duh. I should be more respecting of others. On the other hand I wish...I'm too damn demanding. :) And I know it. I used to have this blithe acceptance of what I wanted and who I was. Then somehow it changed. Must retrieve, or find again.

Be glad I didn't post this when I was angry. :)

Strangely enough, as I become a shadow again here, I dawn elsewhere. My friends (old friends) have all been popping up. Steph would like to see me before she goes off to Grad School. Laura wanted to see me tonight if she could, but I Forgot to call her. I was going to see Lisa this Saturday to help her pick out wedding dresses/take pictures, but she cancelled on me. I'll have to go hunt her down for that and find out why. I want to see her. I miss her. She balances me so well. Maybe I'll just blame everything on her. :)

Liz of ex-gf fame finally sent me the keys and title to her car. I cleaned the durn thing out..but now I have to figure out how I can sell the thing for money. The city will tow it if I don't do something soon. It doesn't even so much as whimper if I turn the key, which I expected...about the only way to get that thing moving again would be like, at least 600 dollars, if not more. I'd rather just junk it...but...how does one go about that and get money for it? :) I really should call a junk yard...auto salvage? I dunno. If you know, drop me a line.

Liz of old friend Liz also wants me to come see her. It's neat. My past keeps popping up, but I don't seem to have time to do anything about it. Still have the gaming address with Lianez and Kevin...haven't managed to drop by.

I really should. I really should be a bigger person. I really should.

As I would say, and others would advise, best get to the doing, and not to the whinging.

Oh. My mood: Bri's sick. I want her to get better. I went out to get stuff for her today. Food...chicken soup, meant to get cream of broccoli, grabbed cream of chicken on accident...got ice-cream, pies, peaches, some other necessities. Forgot to get sprite. Also got roses, cause she deserves 'em. If I knew what medicines would make her better, I'd get those too. I'm worried for her.

Get better Love. You are my everything, the only thing that matters, that matters to me.

Even if I'm not sure how to show it, or act it. =)

P.S. Ever wonder if you yourself are the problem, and are so intent on one thing you're not seeing something else? Perhaps if I could open my eyes and meet it half-way, I wouldn't be so damned miserable about it. I'm just not sure how.

To quote.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change those that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Kissing Jessica Stein
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Comments
ellisande From: ellisande Date: June 13th, 2003 01:41 am (UTC) (Link)
You forgot the roses! Beautiful yellow, with the edges tipped in red. You made me really happy today, I hope you know that. I felt bad even asking you to get me soup, and then you went and made yourself late for work just to brighten my day. Thank you, darling. It means the world to me that you went to all this trouble when you didn't have to...and to finish this thought, you mean the world to me. I love you.
daimones From: daimones Date: June 13th, 2003 08:43 am (UTC) (Link)

Pish.

No trouble, no trouble at all. That's the beauty of love. :)
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: June 13th, 2003 04:58 am (UTC) (Link)

*morning noises*

I had something deep and profound to say, but I don't remember how it went. Thoughts take form and fade away, and I'm stuck with a head still full of cobwebs from sleep and words I wish I could put together to make sense.
You can't change a river by standing in its bed with your arms outstretched.

And I love you, and I always will, and I feel sometimes like you think those words are pro forma, something I say to make you feel better, even when I'm watching you and my heart is breaking for not knowing what to say or what to do any more.
daimones From: daimones Date: June 13th, 2003 08:56 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: *morning noises*

I usually come up with deep and profound when I'm driving in the car. I understand. :)

And I don't think those words are form. I'm not that stupid. *flickers purple aura at you*

Love you, I do. *puts pieces of heart back together* Mmm. Puzzle. Clay hearts? *gives to Bri* Fix it!
alythe From: alythe Date: June 13th, 2003 05:41 am (UTC) (Link)
call up an auto salvage place. that's what i did with my car that wouldn't start. but i warn you now, if it's thrown a rod, they may not wanna offer you much for it. i got ~$25 for mine. :P but my engine was trashed, so i understand why.
daimones From: daimones Date: June 13th, 2003 08:44 am (UTC) (Link)

Hrm.

Bad heater in this one..maybe bad battery..hrm.
alythe From: alythe Date: June 14th, 2003 07:49 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Hrm.

Hell! If that's all that's wrong, then see if you can fix those few things and sell it!
daimones From: daimones Date: June 14th, 2003 10:53 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Hrm.

A heater is a 2, 3 hundred dollar part, in and of itself. =)
alythe From: alythe Date: June 17th, 2003 05:51 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Hrm.

you have GOT to be kidding me. hell, you could still sell it without the heater, right? i mean, it's getting damn close to summer... ;) who needs the heater in summer? just tell 'em it's busted, but remind 'em they won't want it in 90 degree weather, either.
daimones From: daimones Date: June 17th, 2003 09:25 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Hrm.

Actually you need a heater to maintain the car's temperature. Otherwise it overheats. Suck. :)
alythe From: alythe Date: June 17th, 2003 03:54 pm (UTC) (Link)

Errh....

Uhh... do you mean heater or do you mean radiator?
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