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You have no idea. - Spirit
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You have no idea.
Current Mood: confused confused
Okay life. You can stop anytime now. Give me a break maybe? I'm nearly destitute, I've had no luck in getting a job (but I do have an awesome new resume - here's hoping that'll generate some good churn), my love life is shaky, my confidence is shot, I don't much feel like I've been the best friend or communicator I could be to the people who've needed me to be, but do I really deserve to find out...

I envy you, readers. I can promise you with a 99% certainty that this isn't a problem you've ever even thought of as an outside possibility. I'm sorry to be so vague, I know it's been cited as a reason to not read my journal (sorry Cheryl. :( ) but this is very personal (I will likely write a very private entry about it - not something I do often, actually). I wrote it down, at first, but then deleted it. There are people who do not want to know. :)

I've tried to talk to Lisa, my mother, and Darryl about this today so far..(in that order) and I'm not having much luck, but that's mostly because I'm not entirely sure how I should feel..

Life is brutal. I know this. It isn't a 'feeling' entity. Things happen, and sometimes they happen 'just because'. Life isn't some protagonist in a novel being written by someone trying to teach a lesson. We try to attribute reason (karma, destiny, religion) to it, but there's just nobody at the helm. I feel so very matrix (hai2u Merovingian) including the, 'you do not truly know someone(thing) until you've fought with it'.

All that being said, I know I feel like I've pissed off Karma. I try and treat those around me in a way I want to be treated...I try and be respectful, mindful of my actions, my influence. I try and get other people I trust to look at my situations and get their input before I go off and do whatever. I know I fail, and I try to make amends for that. I know that I can not always succeed and that not doing so is what makes us human and how we learn. But then why do I feel like I have to get it right every time?

Why is it I keep getting smacked upside the head? Why can't the things that matter to me, matter to the things I define as my world. I don't need bob down the block to give a crap, but I do expect my family to care if i get kneecapped (for example). Do I fail some internal respect-o-meter? Did my weird childhood home break my delicate soul in some way that causes me to push others away, or not react in an appropriate manner?

Did I not succeed in middle school so now I'm acting out now, but instead of playing with middleschoolers, real life plays for keeps yo. :P

I don't know whatever it is, but I do know that I don't feel very equipped to handle it. I feel flabbergasted, let down, and somehow....like my reaction to it, including my completely baffledness means I'm obviously not where I should be.

But if this isn't where I should be, how do I get to where i should? There are so few decisions, looking back, that I would unmake. And obviously if you do the same things, you'll end up in the same place.

I need a new paradigm. I thought I was finding one, but I think I need new set.

P.S. It's interesting to read this entry and the entry 2 below about coincidences. Especially as the situation that sparked it is very relevant still, both situationally and emotionally. More to think about. Who knew journaling could be USEFUL. Feel free to contrast and compare. ;P
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Comments
melydia From: melydia Date: May 12th, 2009 04:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, no idea what you're talking about, but I hope things start looking up soon. If you need an uninvolved ear or an impartial opinion, drop me a line. There's nothing I "do not want to know."
tangled_rhythms From: tangled_rhythms Date: May 12th, 2009 04:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
I've got..

everything and nothing.

We'll talk?

and yes, I believe the new resume will help tons. By the way, I would go ahead and send the resume and cover letter straight to Bo. I'll give you his address later when we're not in such a public forum.
daimones From: daimones Date: May 12th, 2009 07:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks for reminding me, I forgot to pester you about that. :)
tangled_rhythms From: tangled_rhythms Date: May 13th, 2009 02:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
and I forgot again! I'll email you with it soon before I forget once more.
From: (Anonymous) Date: May 12th, 2009 05:23 pm (UTC) (Link)

You're so Vague.

I'd like to know what I did in some past life to end up with the life I've got now... I've yet to decide if I was exceptionally good or exceptionally bad but this totally does not feel like any life anybody is supposed to have. I used to think that I'd have time for everything I wanted to do... now I don't think there's time for anything. I have become an incredibly impatient woman.

Btw, I've got no clue what you're going on about, but that's nothing new. :)
jeannee From: jeannee Date: May 12th, 2009 05:25 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: You're so Vague.

Apparently, I'm also an incredibly headachy woman. I didn't realize I wasn't logged in when I posted that.
daimones From: daimones Date: May 12th, 2009 07:19 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: You're so Vague.

*hugs* You're allowed to be impatient, trust me on that. You have shown and probably continue to show your patience in other ways. :)

Join the crowd, btw. I'm not sure *I* know what I'm on about these days.
From: (Anonymous) Date: May 12th, 2009 11:04 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: You're so Vague.

I've recently become delusional about some poor unsuspecting fella's intentions toward me. I'm not sure he agrees that I'm allowed to be impatient. I feel like snapping at him and telling him to hurry it up if he's actually going to do something with me. I feel that may not seem particularly pleasant and appealing though. ;)
jeannee From: jeannee Date: May 12th, 2009 11:05 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: You're so Vague.

Dude. I did it again.
daimones From: daimones Date: May 13th, 2009 12:01 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: You're so Vague.

You got skillz.

As for the boy, well. Hrm. That's 50/50. You can be very demanding, but you tend to pick some very shy guys. =)
jeannee From: jeannee Date: May 13th, 2009 10:35 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: You're so Vague.

I tend to pick some very shy guys? I didn't even know I tended to pick guys at all. And when have *I* ever been demanding?? ;)
daimones From: daimones Date: May 13th, 2009 10:47 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: You're so Vague.

lol.
jeannee From: jeannee Date: May 13th, 2009 11:03 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: You're so Vague.

Dude. I was seriously asking and wanting an answer to that one. It really seems very unusual for me to be in this situation. :)

But I'm glad I still amuse you. This is about the only response I get from the fella I'm after, too. ;)
daimones From: daimones Date: May 14th, 2009 12:01 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: You're so Vague.

I know you pick gentleman, even if they don't know it. I know that the ones I've known about have been relatively shy gentleman? At least, I've thought so. Men who cannot seem to choose. :)

As for demanding, you've always been discerning. You know what you want and aren't going to settle for less.
jeannee From: jeannee Date: May 14th, 2009 11:57 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: You're so Vague.

*grin*
"Men who cannot seem to choose." That just sounds like I pick idiots. ;)

And the discerning part seems apt... and slightly more flattering than demanding (at least to my ears).

However, I'm so lonely that I feel like smacking some poor unsuspecting fella upside the head and dragging him off to a room where there's no one and nothing else to pay attention to but me. It feels very caveman-ish (cave womanish?) But I was pretty sure I'd never been quite so demanding in the past. :)
daimones From: daimones Date: May 15th, 2009 12:38 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: You're so Vague.

You're allowed, really. To want to be paid attention to. And some men require...nudging. =)
jeannee From: jeannee Date: May 16th, 2009 12:52 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Youre so Vague.

I'm totally losing my nerve. I thought I was nudging. I went out Monday night to this little league game 'cause he's a coach for the team and he'd invited me to the game... He hasn't initiated a conversation with me since then and hasn't talked to me much when I tried to talk to him. ACK. Now I just feel pushy and rude. :(
daimones From: daimones Date: May 16th, 2009 02:08 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Youre so Vague.

Feh, if he's not interested, there's nothing you can do - but he invited you...If he invited you balls in his court, not really sure there.
jeannee From: jeannee Date: May 16th, 2009 06:50 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Youre so Vague.

It seemed difficult to invite him to anything else when he wasn't talking back much this week. I got invited to midnight bowling tonight, though. With ppl from his work. I'm supposed to bring ppl, too. Who the hell loves me enough to go midnight bowling with me? I am a such an awful bowler...this will be amusing. Let the sucktatude begin. =)
daimones From: daimones Date: May 16th, 2009 07:24 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Youre so Vague.

bowling is fun tho.
jeannee From: jeannee Date: May 17th, 2009 09:57 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Youre so Vague.

It was fun! 4 hours of late night bowling... he had his own equipment. He only made fun of my sucky bowling once. It was pretty humorous. :)
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