Spirit (daimones) wrote,

  • Mood:

You have no idea.

Okay life. You can stop anytime now. Give me a break maybe? I'm nearly destitute, I've had no luck in getting a job (but I do have an awesome new resume - here's hoping that'll generate some good churn), my love life is shaky, my confidence is shot, I don't much feel like I've been the best friend or communicator I could be to the people who've needed me to be, but do I really deserve to find out...

I envy you, readers. I can promise you with a 99% certainty that this isn't a problem you've ever even thought of as an outside possibility. I'm sorry to be so vague, I know it's been cited as a reason to not read my journal (sorry Cheryl. :( ) but this is very personal (I will likely write a very private entry about it - not something I do often, actually). I wrote it down, at first, but then deleted it. There are people who do not want to know. :)

I've tried to talk to Lisa, my mother, and Darryl about this today so far..(in that order) and I'm not having much luck, but that's mostly because I'm not entirely sure how I should feel..

Life is brutal. I know this. It isn't a 'feeling' entity. Things happen, and sometimes they happen 'just because'. Life isn't some protagonist in a novel being written by someone trying to teach a lesson. We try to attribute reason (karma, destiny, religion) to it, but there's just nobody at the helm. I feel so very matrix (hai2u Merovingian) including the, 'you do not truly know someone(thing) until you've fought with it'.

All that being said, I know I feel like I've pissed off Karma. I try and treat those around me in a way I want to be treated...I try and be respectful, mindful of my actions, my influence. I try and get other people I trust to look at my situations and get their input before I go off and do whatever. I know I fail, and I try to make amends for that. I know that I can not always succeed and that not doing so is what makes us human and how we learn. But then why do I feel like I have to get it right every time?

Why is it I keep getting smacked upside the head? Why can't the things that matter to me, matter to the things I define as my world. I don't need bob down the block to give a crap, but I do expect my family to care if i get kneecapped (for example). Do I fail some internal respect-o-meter? Did my weird childhood home break my delicate soul in some way that causes me to push others away, or not react in an appropriate manner?

Did I not succeed in middle school so now I'm acting out now, but instead of playing with middleschoolers, real life plays for keeps yo. :P

I don't know whatever it is, but I do know that I don't feel very equipped to handle it. I feel flabbergasted, let down, and somehow....like my reaction to it, including my completely baffledness means I'm obviously not where I should be.

But if this isn't where I should be, how do I get to where i should? There are so few decisions, looking back, that I would unmake. And obviously if you do the same things, you'll end up in the same place.

I need a new paradigm. I thought I was finding one, but I think I need new set.

P.S. It's interesting to read this entry and the entry 2 below about coincidences. Especially as the situation that sparked it is very relevant still, both situationally and emotionally. More to think about. Who knew journaling could be USEFUL. Feel free to contrast and compare. ;P
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