Spirit (daimones) wrote,

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Maybe she's right.

I don't -let- myself be happy.

I don't know. I've been so moody lately. I'm vibrating, reverberating, worrying...

Why can't I just let go and enjoy myself. Let go of all the worry, the doubt, the fear.

Today, there was a cat outside my apartment door. Gorgeous thing. I wanted to take it in...it didn't have a collar...*lesigh* :) I did pet it though. (this random through brought to you by the incessant babbling of the TV.)

At least I still love to cook. Food is my friend.

Later this week, I have to go the library. Books are my friends.

I have friends, friends who love me, who don't *really* set out to do the things my mind paints in its paranoid wanderings. I have friends who are there for me. I have friends whom I haven't seen in ages past. Friends slipped through the fingers. I worry that I disappoint them, that their secret opinion of me is something else. I fret so much.

I fret to do the right things, to make ends meet. I wonder if I'm really this dominant person, or some desperately seeking person, yearning to find his place. I don't know...I just hope I can find it. I've found part of it...the part that counts...but I can't let go of the pain.

You. Yes. You. The asshole in the corner? Die. Dig your fucking talons out and go. I don't care where, I don't care why. But remove your claws and take away your stranglehold on feelings. They're not yours anymore. I want them.

I'll figure it out, even if I have to burn things to the ground and start anew.

Chris Rock - You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.

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