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I used to be somebody... - Spirit
Seeking...
I used to be somebody...
Current Mood: depressed depressed
Current Music: "Something I Can Never Have" by Nine Inch Nails
I can't make code do what I want it to do. (You think it'd be easy to scan backwards till it didn't run into whitespace in a string.)

I can't find a job. (I would like a job that was in my field. As an intern. Or just someone who would work around my schedule. Whose willing to pay me 9$ an hour, even at 20 hours a week is enough, preferably more...)

I can't pay my god-damned bills. (I'm -so- fucked. Even if I get a job *MONDAY*, I'm not going to get paid before big-bad creditor people kill my credit record for being 30+ days late...not to mention if they cut off my cable or phone or...*sigh*....)

I want to cry. I just can't. It's like the tears are there, but the energy to even cry is sapped from me.

Because of this project (code), I can't even go to this all-weekend funness that would help me not wallow in my own pool of self-misery. What's even more amusing is that I had such high hopes of relaxation....So I sit here feeling depressed+ about that, and jealous...for reasons obvious and not so.

Mental Note: Jeff, you have no....something. Confidence? Security? IQ? :)

Damn you Marty for not just saying, 'Nope. Code due's Friday.'

Not that I haven't poked my head in...they get cable installed on Sunday afternoon, so I might spend the day over there instead and code...at least that way I'm not so alone.

I feel so inept at my field. It's vaguely amusing, cause everyone else seems to think I'm smart at it. Why, is beyond me. Maybe I've finally hit the, 'you're just not smart enough' mark. I see what Tom is doing, and he's 'only' in a sense, two years ahead of me academically. Aaron's a freakin' genius, or something. He uses scheme...and functional languages don't make any sense to me, whether it be because I haven't ever *REALLY* tried to use one, or not...but he does neat things I can't even follow procedurally...

I'm already behind graduating. All I ever wanted was a god-damned education so that I could prove to myself that I was not as stupid as the rest of my family. That I'm not some aborted failure. I tell people that I had to take a 1.5 year vacation for money reasons, which is true, but it's also the, 'You couldn't keep your grades up..' And I finally got the...ability?...to go back...had to take out loans this time around...*sighs*...and I was doing good. I'm so close.....

At least M's online. I miss M. Maybe that's why I can't cry or something.

At least there are people who do love me. Bri, M, Tina, nykkit, with the possible male addition of James and Matt. (not i-Matt! -> I'm fairly certain he doesn't much like me anymore. And oh well.) They try and cheer me up, even if they don't know what they're doing. Even if I can't succeed where the world deems it to be successful, ala capitalism, I've got my bohemian sorts of love. Kate would be proud. Now if only I were more like her and smart. I should add her to the list too. Of people that love/cheer me up without knowing it. Lisa, you should be on this list, but the mere fact that I haven't talked to you in forever makes me feel like slime. Cindy too.

Back to the code. I can only lately allot so much time to my own self-misery. Even that has to be regulated. At least the happiness doesn't. Well. I suppose it does too. Cause I can't let it interfere with anything. Well. I might eat first.

Nature always wins, that whore-bitch.
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sera_bella From: sera_bella Date: March 29th, 2003 05:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
*offers many hugs*

I totally feel your pain about school, all I wanted was my education, then I had to give it up, now I don't have the desire because in the end it doesn't matter for me.

~Mags
tangled_rhythms From: tangled_rhythms Date: March 29th, 2003 07:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
As I've spent most of the day with you, there's not much I can say that I've not already said and I'm afraid it would fall under the 'I don't know what I'm doing' type thing. Believe it or not, I knew what you meant. And you talk about me saying maximumly and midstrokes as if they're odd :) I just don't know what else to do except to tell you that you're not a failure simply because this escapes you. I'm not a failure, I just can't get mechanisms to make sense in my head so that I can pass organic chemistry and get both degrees. Did take me a while to realize that though. You'll do that in time too. You'll realize your worth is not based on a piece of paper or initials behind your name. You need sleep, you need fun, and you need wild woolly weasel sex. *hugs* and I do love you.
melydia From: melydia Date: March 30th, 2003 07:19 am (UTC) (Link)
ah, i see you are engaged in the war of Good vs. Compiler. coding is one of the most frustrating practices in the known world. it's why i left cs.

i thank you for the compliments to my intelligence, but i'm not sure where you get off saying *you're* not smart. having jobs that take you away from your schoolwork so you can't put as much time or energy into it doesn't make you stupid. having to do homework in the middle of the night when you're too tired to think doesn't make you stupid. grades do not measure intelligence. if they did, i'd be a worthless idiot - i still face the very real possibility of flunking out, despite the fact that i work all day, every day.

and you're still young - too young to decide whether or not your life is a failure. there's no time limit on graduation, after all. most of my friends are graduating college late or not at all. none of them are failures. that includes you.

but you're right, i do love you. and i still think of you, obviously, since i keep sending you random shite that i think you'd enjoy. :)
daimones From: daimones Date: March 30th, 2003 10:35 am (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, all of you. While I am fairly certain my education will mean something to me as a means of doing what I like to be doing if nothing else, it's hard to realize my intelligence, not necessarily my worth, is not judged by or based upon things that I do in school. It's all a problem, like everything else in cs, and I like problem-solving. Which is why I got into this field. Computers are logical.

Unlike me. ;) *snuggles a Tina(I'm workin on the wooly), and especially a Kate(You'll make it through, just like I will, me thinks. Right? We'll make a deal. You make it, I make it. My future is in your hands. Allstate?)*

*hunts it down* You will not escape me!
daimones From: daimones Date: March 30th, 2003 10:37 am (UTC) (Link)
I really should work on this whole online vs real-life name thing. Annomity and all that jazz.
melydia From: melydia Date: March 30th, 2003 01:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
don't worry about it in my case. kate is a common name and i have no problem with people knowing it's mine.
daimones From: daimones Date: March 31st, 2003 06:12 am (UTC) (Link)

Re:

Oh. and better spelling.

Thanks. ;)
daxayl From: daxayl Date: March 31st, 2003 10:09 pm (UTC) (Link)

better late than never

I'd have written sooner, but I was at that party thing (even though I should have been job hunting). I could have written sooner if I knew what I was going to say and unfortunately I still don't, but I'm gonna say something anyway. Just bear with me if it makes no sense at all.
As far as the bills part..I unfortunately understand. I have so many bills that have been sent to creditors now that its not even funny. I've considered filing for bankruptcy over 7-10k worth of bills. I don't want to and I'm trying really really hard not to, but...if they push me much more I won't have a choice. In a way it would be nice to get rid of all the bills even if it won't help my already fucked credit. On the other hand I want to pay the money I owe. I don't want to take the losers way out, but I also don't want to be stuck with lawyers all over my ass for money either. Hell, I've had health issues that i've put to the side in order to pay bills and if I'm not careful I won't be able to work (its not quite as bad as it sounds, but...feels that way sometimes). Just don't give up on it. You will get there eventually..even if (like me) you end up having to take the scenic route to do so (this goes for school as well...I WILL finish in something even if its not what I started in).

Now on to the part that matters...do I love you. Its an interesting question and I suppose the quick answer would be yes. I do in a way love you. Care a lot in any case and in my estimation of things thats the same thing as love. My definition of loving someone is someone whom your willing to sacrifice something for. There are many levels to that, but thats the basics of it. I would definitally sacrifice for you. How much..I don't quite know yet. I think we are both exploring each other right now since it isn't like we have known each other all that well for all that long. Anyway....I'll leave things at that. Keep up the fight..it is worth it.
daimones From: daimones Date: March 31st, 2003 10:16 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: better late than never

I'll try and keep my chin up. Thanks.

*explores you, while he's at it*
daxayl From: daxayl Date: March 31st, 2003 10:25 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: better late than never

btw if you have any chat programs feel free to grab one or more of my chat aliases from bri. I'll try not to bug you unless you message me first since I know your busy with all that coding shit. *hugglez* And watch that exploring stuff..you might get more than your expecting.
daimones From: daimones Date: March 31st, 2003 10:51 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: better late than never

I usually do. I'm only curious where my nose has the ability to get bapped. ;)
daxayl From: daxayl Date: March 31st, 2003 10:59 pm (UTC) (Link)

nose bappage

Eh, (insert sexually charged comment here).

Actually..fuck that. Its not bappage that you should be concerning yourself with..at least not with your nose involved. Now...boppage...*wiggles his ass* thats another story all together.

Yes, those are blatent sexual innuendoes. Me thinks that me might have perhaps been a bit to...reticient in scaring you off and as a result cut them out. Expect to see more particulary if vague hinting statements are made.
daimones From: daimones Date: March 31st, 2003 11:04 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: nose bappage

...*raises eyebrows*...

It takes a shitload more than that to scare me. :P
daxayl From: daxayl Date: March 31st, 2003 11:06 pm (UTC) (Link)

more

*shrugz* Ok, don't say you weren't warned though. There may come a point where words...aren't enough.
daimones From: daimones Date: March 31st, 2003 11:10 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: more

*claps his hands to his cheeks and screams*

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!
daxayl From: daxayl Date: March 31st, 2003 11:19 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: more

*grinz evilly* I have now aquired two of your screen names for chat. Perhaps, it would be a good idea to turn our little chat here to an actually chat program instead of spamming LJ. Even if I do enjoy that little picture.
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