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This is huge. - Spirit
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This is huge.
Current Mood: awake awake
Current Music: House of Pain. I'm broadening my Irish tastes. ;)
"I have told my brother that I hear the dead still, (great fang), and so I do. I hear the terror of the (cubs), the sorrow of their dams, and the rage of their sires. I have heard them in my dreams and, if I listen carefully, in my waking thoughts, as well, and I hear them now. But they are no longer ghosts, crying out in protest at their own deaths and the murder of all they loved. Now they are the voice of vengeance, the voice of (blood), crying out from the very stones, and I too will be their voice."

50% of me is a huge nerd! How about you?

She looked at the charcoal on her palms. Take the water out, she thought, and that's all we are.

When he looked at the long curve of her neck, he wanted to bite it. This is why women were forbidden from participating in politics. They made it so damned hard to concentrate on the business at hand.

"We are all born naked. Everything else is drag, right? I often feel that I am a gay man trapped in this body." - Pamela Anderson.

"It would scare most people to death to look this cheap or whore-y, but to me, I'm comfortable." -- Dolly Parton (fashion secrets..how about tawdry...)

"I still have a valid teaching license," says the former special ed teacher. "But if parents see me with a kid, they'll want to call 911." -- Ron Jeremy.

"I was offered a movie called Cock. I turned it down without even asking what it was about. Somehow I couldn't conceive of calling my mother to tell her I was about to start a movie called Cock." -- Julia Roberts

An ad for the new Toyota Tundra Double Cab..."Nothing says you're sorry like flowers, 1500 pounds of Texas flagstone, and enough lumber to build a gazebo."

"What is it that makes men crazy?"
"Desire of course. But beauty doesn't provoke it, it only reminds you of it."

"Maturity is knowing how much rejection you can handle and still keep your appetite."

Coincidence was one of the waste products of life.

...not being ready was one of the great constructs of the end of the century. It implied that there was a possibility that all would come in its time. Where as one knew very well, if one honestly evaluated one's circumstances, that there was very little one would ever be ready for. The idea that one would eventually be readier someday was one of the ways their generation could continue its addiction to the notion of potential.

"Falling in love is a by-product of immunological vicissitudes."

"Falling in love is the river that takes you there, back to the place of pain. The person you fall in love with is merely Charon -- Charon in the glad rags of seduction, tenderness, promise, lust, rowing you across the Styx. You have to cross the Styx to get back to the pain that is the place you know. Falling in love is life's best opportunity for pain."

She had stopped thinking of making love because being near him now was so exciting that she didn't even have enough concentration left for her fantasies. Instead, her mind fragmented, and she felt as if she herself were dispersed into the summer air.

"Women's imperfections are what makes them irresistible, perhaps especially because they're so desperate to get rid of them..."

He hoarded the memories of kissing a woman in the dark and knowing he had her lipstick on his mouth, or fucking her from behind and finding smudges of her lipstick on the pillow the next morning, after she'd gone.

He had this sudden powerful sensation that he didn't want to really wake up -- he wanted to keep it just like this, with a feeling that his friends were around him. As if he never wanted to go out again. It was dark outside and seemed to hold nothing but infinite loneliness. Maybe, he thought, in a way, this was the closest he had ever felt to being in a family.

"You keep thinking that when you love someone, you'll have more, but the truth was that each time you love someone, what you end up with is more loss."

It was odd: She still had desire for desire, but almost never desire itself.

"The parsley on my plate is freaking me out."
"Is there something wrong with it?"
"The green is so violent."

"Sometimes women remind me of gorillas. ... I don't know whether to groom or to run."

No, he wasn't scared of breasts. Not nice, small breasts. Well, maybe a little queasy, in a way. But who wasn't?

http://www.giantmicrobes.com <-- This is incredibly cute. I want the kissing disease.

http://www.redoctane.com/redoctanemetalpad.html <- A nice DDR pad..but why think small. Check this out...https://host14.ipowerweb.com/~cobaltfl/sunshop/index.php?action=item&id=6&prevaction=category&previd=1&prevstart=0

www.akconcepthome.com <-- This is so cool. And metal! What, a forest fire? Come inside honey. Shut the doors. We'll be fine.

http://www.nissanusa.com/m/cma/i/335/3350z_gal_big08.jpg <-- Sexy.

dyk: Lord of the Rings, desktop comps: 600. servers in renderwall: 1600 (3200 processors), 10 network switches, 10 gigabit network, 1/2 ton of A/C to keep at a nice 76 F, 60 TB disk space, backup tapes: .5 Petabytes (50k DVD's) average time to render one frame, 2 hours. longest: 2 days. number of shots: 1400, min # of frames per shot: 240

Christian Videogames! Eternal War: Shadows of Light, Ominous Horizons: A Paladin's Calling, Saints of Virtue. Plot Summaries: Battle Satan's Minions, defeat the Beast!

Japanese School Girl Watch: When you care enough to send the very best, you drop trou in a sticker photo booth. That's what high school girls in Japan are doing, anyways. ... Erotic Print Clubs sprouted when phonecams made nude taking candids easier than dialing for pizza. The young ladies apparently aren't shy about baring it all for full-length group shots, prompting some shopping centers to ban men from loitering in the photo booth area. <- This could never happen in America. Sad, but true.

http://www.pixelblocks.com <- LIghtbrights mixed with Lego's? SWEET!

http://wabi.com/ <- Wireless Teddy Ruxpin. This is so sweet (in a cute sense).

http://www.ideazon.com/newWebSite/images/products/closeups/games/crossfireCloseups.jpg <- Only dead Serious gamers need to apply for this. And if you still get sweaty hands...http://www.nyko.com/

http://www.wilddivine.com <- Test your chi.

And that was just the cut. Read on intrepid friends... :)

Currently it's late (early?) and Bri just woke up to use the restroom. I asked her if she was gonna stay up, she said yes. Thirty seconds later, she's asleep. I love this woman. No matter what else, there is this love, this swelling heart feeling that encompasses her presence in my life. Beautiful blue eyes, lovely strands of hair, as red as her passion can be. Smooth-soft skin, a soothing personality that somehow manages to calm me, make me want to become..better. One step backward, two steps forward...

I haven't touched my journal in any manner publicly for a while. I've mostly played with S2 things, a thing I intend to do later tonight. Move my moods and music to where I want them, maybe swallow my pride and work on a full page summary component. I tried to do this, but came to the conclusion that due to the need for certain variables, the way the system works, there wasn't anything I could do to do it. Then someone figured out how, and I'm like...'That's so smart.' Course, most of it's been done..but hey. I don't even know if *I* want it for my journal, but hell. Anyways. I hate not thinking of things first. Which is something that I will get into..my...lack?...of technical knowledge.

Oh, a brief hint: My evening is most of y'all's morning. Deal with the time lag. ;) Oh. An amusement. Even atomic clocks aren't synchronized. How fucked up is that. I really need to get a subscription to Wired, and for 20 bucks for 2 years, I think I will soon. Most of those random tech links came from Wired mags...the rest came from books and magazines. I realize I love my journal for at least one thing...I will have a centralized location for all my thoughts and random that I save. And barring a horrible natural disaster, I don't think it'll go away, so I and others will always have access to it.

So. Where did we last leave you journal types...January 1st, really. Two weeks later, here I am. Eeh. As If I can remember all the things that have happened since then. Even the things I want to talk about. Peripheral things: I'm turning to the dark side, I really think I could enjoy DDR. Playstation 2 for me. *points up to links* Spiffiness to follow. ;) [I want SPIFF!] I also brought the loveliness of Twelfth Night to Bri. Got her lots of clothes for no reason. ;) Me, I spend my disposable income on Star Wars Legos. Though if I had a computer (a better one, naysayers), the beauty of games would come to me. Though, I think a server would come first. Or maybe I'd get a gaming PC and turn this into a server. I've also been thinking of a loan to take care of different bills. Consolidation they call it, right? Dunno. I'm worried about when my school loans come up...

I want a real job. I need to do that. Got a few places that Bri found for me to apply to, not to mention the place Matt works. Recently, a community I frequent had a couple of testimonies about web development and IT in general, about how they want you to do so much for so little...and I look at my current situation and fear for money, but then I look at my work situation where they want me to this..crap!...of a software development job...and I see what these people are talking about. I also realize that I have a huge learning curve ahead of me, charted through waters where the best example to me is just that..examples, peer advice. And I don't get that here. Because I am the IT. :P (well, not quite, but...) Ugh. So. I'll be trying to do something at work, trying to hack my way through figuring out for example how to tie in ASP and AD so that people can log in to the webpage the same way they login to their computers...and I can't. And I hate it. I hate not being able to figure something out. It depresses me. I know I can learn, I know I can. I'm smart. But I don't know where to start. I hate MS. (not really their fault.) I could rant about lots of different 'faults' in this process, but the one that bugs me is my own. I just want to learn and live at the same time, and I don't want to live large..just comfy. I'm willing to move! Just give me a comfy place to live, learn...and if you really like me, I'd like my Grad degree....Master Melville sounds coo' to me. ;)

Oh, that reminds me. I got my diploma. Looking at it, the shiny leatherness of it...(sheepskin. ;)...I don't know what to think. Everyone is so proud of me for it, but I don't know why. Most of my friends are just as, if not more so accomplished in that regard. I feel as if perhaps because I worked harder than everyone that I'm not as smart, that I'm somehow missing out on some fundamentally intelligent way of life or something. Kinda like realizing that 'everyone' is supposed to know how to get a doctor, right? But..uh. How *DO* you get a doctor. Do I call the hospital and make an appointment? This whole world is bizarre and bewildering to me at times and I feel like I'm just scrambling through it. And I hate feeling like I'm behind the curve....

A lot of this happened all in one night, it was my bad night. I also found out that my mother had a Grand Mal Seizure (it doesn't really need the caps, but it is a cool word) that day. Joy. Tina has CFS, depression...oh...and I was getting shit sleep that day so when people called to tell me about my mother, I just went back to sleep because really, what could I do....but I still feel guilty for not caring, snapping. Hell. I haven't even talked to my mother since. Just once, pleasantries really. "Hi. I was worried. Are you alright?" was the main thrust of the conversation. Doc did some labwork, the only odd thing is potassium levels, which makes sense. What drives neurons boys and girls? If you guessed Na/K, you'd be right. Anyways. *puts away chem/bio hat* Hah. And I'm sure n could give a much more detailed explanation than I could ever have given, even in my biology prime.

So, guilt. Yes. Blah. I should feel something, right? I feel incredibly self-centered, is what I feel. About everything lately. Even my gifts to Bri, as useful as they are, are self-centered. She looks good in them. She looks good wrapped around me in them. ;) And then I feel guilty because I think Bri being wrapped around me pissed someone(s) off...I want a digicam.

I should save money.

On the other hand, I might get hired in permanently, with benefits and everything, to the job I have now, even as I look for another. I doubt this job will give me what I want...and there exists the small possibility that I could make it into what I want, were I upwardly mobile enough, there exists an even smaller possibility that I would be recognized for my feat.

Random: I harbour the utmost respect for Linus Torvald. I could enumerate why, but why. He's fucking cool! But after reading this article in Wired about him...it's his wife I suddenly want to know. ;) She's a multiple time karate champion from Finland..she met him as a student in a class he was teaching, and she submitted her first assignment to him along with asking him if he'd go out on a date with her. Now, on her car, she doesn't have any linux bumper stickers, she's got one that says: Some things in life are better rich. Coffee, men, and chocolate. She just sounds cool.

http://www.livejournal.com/community/fort_wayne/17791.html <- Random find. I wonder....Not yet, but maybe someday.

Look at me, digressing horribly. What else can you expect this late at night. At least I'm not doing dishes? I got those done. Mmm. Clean counters. I think the last mousy might have been cleared out by my cruel inhumane ways? This reminds me, I'm hungry. Today I got a real treat at Subaro's because QuinBit likes us.

Hours have passed since I started this, and I think I should obviously finish since I'm not writing any more. Which is a shame, I know I have more to discuss! Maybe Bri's job interviews...Lisa...

All maybe for later.

Blergh, Eat Kitty.
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wingedpixi From: wingedpixi Date: January 15th, 2004 08:14 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, that reminds me. I got my diploma. Looking at it, the shiny leatherness of it...(sheepskin. ;)...I don't know what to think. Everyone is so proud of me for it, but I don't know why.
beacuase it takes time effort drive and work it is an accomplishment after all

Most of my friends are just as, if not more so accomplished in that regard. I feel as if perhaps because I worked harder than everyone that I'm not as smart, that I'm somehow missing out on some fundamentally intelligent way of life or something.

i think everyone thinks that to some extent.
just depends on the person really. I personally was and still am a very very slow reader... so during college i was lucky if i ever finished reading the material before the test came. And taking note i dont know it they were even legable much less coherent. I am suprrised i did as well as i did its shocking really. so your not really missing out each has their own way of learning ... my brother can just sit like a sponge and retain everything it seems so easy to him, like he doesnt have to work as hard but he does work hard.

Kinda like realizing that 'everyone' is supposed to know how to get a doctor, right? But..uh. How *DO* you get a doctor. Do I call the hospital and make an appointment? This whole world is bizarre and bewildering to me at times and I feel like I'm just scrambling through it. And I hate feeling like I'm behind the curve....

you get a doctor a few different ways. do you have insurance you have to go through their directory... somtimes they are on line or you can ask them to send you one. then ask other ppl he they have one they are comfortable with. depends on how picky you are about it. its kind of nice to choose on that is part of a group pratice so if you dont prefer the one you first see than you can just ask to see one of thier partners. then you call and make an appointment and they send you paper work and forms to send ot your previous docs to release your records to them. and you see the doc. =)
annida From: annida Date: January 15th, 2004 10:16 am (UTC) (Link)
*hug* it's too early for me to actually think.. but I decided you need a *hug* so I'm giving you one.. randomly hugging is good for you, and you should know that you deserve it..
You're my little sugar plum not so fairy.. Oh my head! I wish it was a hang over, but it's a pizza over.. that stupid pizza hut did SOMETHING to me..
*dribbles
melydia From: melydia Date: January 20th, 2004 12:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Everyone is so proud of me for it, but I don't know why. Most of my friends are just as, if not more so accomplished in that regard.

other people having done it doesn't make it any less of an accomplishment.

I feel as if perhaps because I worked harder than everyone that I'm not as smart

did you work harder than everybody else? i don't think it's a contest, personally. everybody works hard to get their degree. those that don't have worthless degrees.

But..uh. How *DO* you get a doctor.

it's not intuitive. when i was in college i would just go to the health center and that was that. for my insurance, i had to look up a list of doctors in my area that were covered (my insurance's website had that info), then call up the doctor's office to make an appointment. took me quite a bit of research to figure all that out. if you're behind the curve, i'm right there with you.

but I still feel guilty for not caring

when did you suddenly obtain complete control over your feelings and how can i master this skill?

On the other hand, I might get hired in permanently, with benefits and everything, to the job I have now

that would be very good. and don't think just because you get a job there that you'll be working there for the rest of your life. you might, to be sure, but only if you want to. sometimes it's best to just get some actual experience and a regular salary before moving on to your "dream" job (which probably requires previous professional experience to land in the first place).

i don't mean to sound too cynical in my commentary, but it sounds like you're seriously overthinking things. like you're trying to find a way to come out the unworthy asshole in everything you do. sometimes you have to step back and realize how awesome you are, and that it's okay to be awesome sometimes.
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