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It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! - Spirit
Seeking...
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!
Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: Christmas Carols. Look at my subject.
There were..uh..okay. That's a friggin' lie. Weather.com sayeth there was .37 inches of precipitation last night. Course, it was in snow. Anyways. There was a couple of inches of snow on the ground. I wish I'd been better able to see/enjoy it. I kinda had forgotten how neat my apartment is for viewing inclement weather.

Oh, a random update. I chased another mouse out of my apartment. Yes. Chased. Rar.

So the end of yesterday party...I ended up taking a nap. Which I should not have done. And not necessarily because of the following, but because I missed all the after-dinner conversation and cardgames and goodness. I woke up to hearing, 'He can't keep a woman.' from nykkit, and while I figured it wasn't me, I thought I would go and make sure by snugging on the lady. And I want to blame it on the sleepy, what happened next, but....

She was...see...this is the kicker. I don't/can't remember. Vaguely, in recollection, it looked like her and Josh were snuggling. I think most of this is because I really wasn't up yet, but as I said. And I just turned around and went upstairs...and Bri followed after me, and I apparently pushed her out of the way...which, again, I don't really remember. I think I brushed by her, she says she got pushed into the door jamb. Either way, really, isn't nice. It's just the degree...anyways. She also thought I hit the wall, but unless my mind is completely gone I did not repeat that performance even in slight. We talked..nykkit hugged..people dispersed. I felt stupid as fuck 'gain. It's like my mind takes a temporary vacation. Or as nykkit put it later: You alternate between self-pity and (correct me if I'm wrong) undirected violent rage. I don't like that.

I'm turning into my father. Sans the after-father modifications. You see, he had a violent temper. He never hurt anyone, other than himself, not physically I mean, but I've known for years that the reason I get this blood-red pulse when my temper really goes is that. But this recent development of flash temper...I will do anything to stop that, I think. Even sacrifice myself to it. I can't deal with the after-guilt. Not to mention what I might do to the other people in my life.

Sans what I've already done. I asked nykkit if she had given up on me...and her reply, 'I didn't say that. Not in so many words.' I miss our friendship (and by extension, my friendships). I miss...something that used to be me. Before I continue, however, diary-mine...I'm going to go retrieve my hot (now probably warm) chocolate. Pardon.

Okay, so I grabbed a piece of chocolate cake too. :) I was struck by the thought, as I went down, in a random note, that I could probably code a way of putting in multiple strings for the terms Current Mood/Music. Maybe. Those probably aren't set per entry. I could perhaps fake them being set, blank the 'normals' and if I don't put in the terms (detected by string parsing..does this thing really have any good string parsing, a thing to find out..) they would default as I want them to. I love playing with s2. It's completely pointless, but it provides a lot of fun. I've already got my own custom style, though, as I'm sure an astute reader would notice...there isn't any difference between it and Bluetiful. Not that said reader could see anyways. I'm trying to work up a search thing..we'll see how that goes..but I've managed to get the indexy page thing working. And not ruin my style. Bonus points for me.

Go me! Maybe someday I'll just get bored enough to create my very own style from the ground up. But that would require design talent. I've also thought maybe I'd make my desktop and my lj match. If for no other reason than I really like my lil angel.

I learned there are troubles
Of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead
And some come from behind.

But I've brought a big bat.
I'm all ready, you see.
Now my troubles are going
To have troubles with me!

--I had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew - Dr. Suess (yes I know that's not his real name.)
A bit of random brought by a bit of random, but relevant, I think.

Now. Where was I. Things that used to be, me and mine.

Okay, so I said I was continuing, but I went to close weather.com and I thought I'd take a moment to see if I could get it to yield inches of snow or some such...but then I found a lil box that sayeth:
Today's Golf Index for:

Foster Park Golf Course 1 Very Poor

And I thought this was -hilarious-.

Anyways. I don't want to ruin things...I don't want to push people away. I need people...But its like I'm trying to self-destruct, or something. I don't really know. Self-fulfilling prophecy or something. Conversely, the few friendships I have that are reallyreally good...I wonder what I've done different. How I feel, what I do, how I act...something. What makes those different from the ones I'm destroying. Weirdly, the ones that I do have that are good make me sad sometimes because of this. It's all silly weird...and I know I'm overthinking things at some point...but I so badly don't want to screw anything up.

Hah. :P Toooooo late.

I also know that I want a bit of validation, that I'm not going crazy. That's hardly fair to ask other people to validate me. I need to validate myself. What ever happened to that self-reliance thing, hrm?

I don't know. I really don't know. But knowing what I do know is half the battle. And figuring out some of my hypocrisy can't hurt.

Oh. I should explain. Let's see, stupidity...then went and was quietly social for the rest of the night. Sat around..ended up playing video games for a while because it was only going to be a short respite, then movie, while one last board game ended up, but it took forever, and then people went to bed, so no video. So more video games. Then I did put in Robin Williams: Live on Broadway and amused the people who had not seen..or even if they had, it's still funny. Then it was late, going to put in another movie..(LotR:tTT extended) but someone mentioned: Hey. We're trying to sleep. So me and Bri just talked about impressions, people, thoughts, feelings...whatever. She took a shower..we both started to doze...then morning.

And here goes a small shoe-in. It was good to see you Jo. Missed you. (and you too Beaker. You're a good man, and someone I would be glad to call friend, even if we hardly know each other. ;) Oddly, you're one of the few I don't mind calling by a handle...course, yours isn't really online related either. ;)

Which leads me to need to add a couple of people to my LJ. Which really lets me know that I think I'm done now.

Last night was good, up until I went stupid. Then it got better, if not a bit subdued.

I'm sorry I keep ruining things for you Bri. I really do understand when I'm lucid. It's why I think I should keep myself at home and away, for the most part. Too much of me makes peoplies go maaaaaad.

Let me finish by saying: I liked brushing snow off the car this morning in the pregnant silence. It might not be the soft whisper of snow falling that obscures the world in its sibilant caress, but it is close.
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Comments
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: November 29th, 2003 12:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
I miss you too. It's so strange...I see you in glimpses and pieces, shattered streetlight reflections that glimmer briefly and are eclipsed. I see you in moments and fragments between the clouds.
And I don't know what to say, and I don't know what to do, and if I try to follow the channels I used to, the bonds between us are strange and unfamiliar now. And I don't know why, or what to do.
annida From: annida Date: November 29th, 2003 03:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
hmmm *hugs* I don't think you're strange Jeff.. I think you have issues that need to be resolved, and as long as they're not resolved, you will never find piece of mind.. *Trust*. Love ya.
tangled_rhythms From: tangled_rhythms Date: November 29th, 2003 06:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'd talk, but you'd brush me off by telling me that you're ok when we both know you're not. I've been in this same downward spiral you're in and I know what it feels like to be on the outside of the maelstrom and see yourself inside but unable to find the way out. I know what it's like to not be you, and to wonder if that person will ever come back. I know what it feels like when you reach out and things you touch become brittle and break under the slight pressure. I know what it's like to push away and alienate the ones who love me, and know you're doing it but be unable to make yourself stop. I know so well what you're going through. I also know what it takes to get out of this but I'm not going to do that here. Too much of it is tied up in my own story and that isn't for public viewing.

When/if you want to talk about it, let me know. Till then, I'll just quietly sit outside over here and keep you in my heart and my thoughts, fingers and toes crossed tightly.
lakos From: lakos Date: November 29th, 2003 08:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm always around to talk, if nothing else through the moo. And I don't think you're destroying my friendship with you. It takes more than bad mood/depression/etc. to upset me. And I don't think you're going to start doing the things that -would- drive me away. *hugs tight*
alythe From: alythe Date: November 30th, 2003 03:44 pm (UTC) (Link)

ooOooOoh

*blinks in surprise* i got noticed... i got mentoned! i missed you too, Jefe! like i said, i miss rollerblading with you, and hanging out late-night on weekends... and we don't chat nearly as much as we used to... but then again, i (unfortunately!) don't chat much with anyone anymore. :( i should try and change that. i MISS you!
wingedpixi From: wingedpixi Date: December 1st, 2003 06:18 am (UTC) (Link)

ugh

bear with me as my head is thobbing cause i am deathly ill.

there is nothing you could detroy with me... possibly because i am so far removed from current situations...

i to have been there longing to be what i was..., if i even knew what that was... now i long to be my true self what ever that is .. as i have really yet to find it.... and hopfully i will know when it is upon me... but who knows.... tempers are not evil.... rage is really the thing to worry about .....

ugh cant think....
*hugs* umm off to the docs..... more later...... and fyi you can always call or write or post a note or leave on n brig... i know im not around much.. and for that i am sorry
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